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I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| Weirdness |
| 11.29.04 (2:29 pm) [edit] |
Had the day off ... had to go into work .... found out the following things about my colleagues ...
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My coworkers' AOL screenname contains the word MILF!
My coworker emails pictures of herself to our male clients!
My [b][u]visibly[/u][/b] size 10 coworker confided in me that she has 'ballooned' to 106 pounds
My coworker wears 200 dollar shoes with Kathie Lee Gifford clothes from Wal Mart
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| I. My. Cheating. Beautiful. Champ! |
| 11.28.04 (6:19 pm) [edit] |
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Operation Veggie-Tate is coming to a close ... final thoughts ...
1. I can totally do this hermit thing ...probably not the best thing for the children ...but it most definitely agrees with me.
2. My boys are really good kids - they are truly just testing their limits. I am NOT raising monsters.
3. Married Cheating men suck ass ... not figuratively ..well, I have no real basis to um ...confirm or deny that statement but ... I digress ... I'm still loving HIM but the implausibility of the whole thing is finally wearing on me. I no longer consider his feelings when I make decisions ... say what you want about that ... it matters not to me. I have tired of trying to legitimize (sp?) my feelings.
4. I am a beautiful, intelligent woman ...and I need to get out there and meet my match. There are assholes out there ...someone is probably going to hurt/disappoint me again ... shit happens.
That's not all that I've uncovered this weekend but it is all that I'm going to share right now. I hate that I am censoring myself - I've typed this very same entry over and over hoping that I'd be able to let my thoughts roam freely on my own blog ...but ...um ...nope ... sorry folks!
Man ...did you see that catch by Jerry Porter - from Kerry Collins, 3rd down and long, 52 yards over the shoulder with Champ Bailey breathing down his neck ...swish nothing but..no ..uh ...he caught it!
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| Party. 100. Dudes. |
| 11.27.04 (9:08 am) [edit] |
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Day 3 of Operation Vegetate: Leaving the House! Tomorrow is my lil' dude's 5th birthday - I am only leaving the house long enough to buy decorations for his room and stuff for his birthday partie(S) on Monday. So technically, I'm not really leaving leaving ...just popping out for a bit. Back in time to catch more mind numbing television.
[i]What really happened on Day 3:[/i] Left the house to do as described above actually ended up dropping a C note at Arbor Place Mall in Douglasville GA.... I've been in search of a cream colored mock turtleneck to wear with my suede outfit and my leather boots ... didn't find it so I bought a beige-y turtleneck and a beautiful pink shirt... aaaaaawwwwwww
Also, intended to spend $25 on the birthday boy ... doubled that as he discovered a sale at KB Toy on [url=http://www.techdeck.com/index...]Tech Deck [/url] Dudes ...complete with magnetic skateboards. Also noticed that the men in D-Ville seem to be "all man" ... and quite tasty looking ... will go back soon to confirm ....
Never did get those decorations - I'm going to sneak out in the morning and make a decor run ....
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| Miseducated Tribe |
| 11.26.04 (3:24 pm) [edit] |
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Sitting here on Day 2 of "Operation Vegetate" Today's objective ....watching videos on VH1 Soul
& nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; & nbsp; 
I miss the Miseducated Lauryn Hill ....With her locs hanging ..the gritty raspy-ness of her verses ... & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; ; & nbsp; &n bsp; &nb sp; &nbs p; 
I miss Q-Tip, Ali Shaheed and Phife Dog .... verbal deliveries over vividly syncopated beats .... Tip's smooth voice and Phifes' rapid fire candence .... good stuff ...
I never promised this blog was going to address my deepest, darkest, freakiest moments ALL the time ... sometimes a sista just needs to stop the neurons from firing .... and just be! 8)
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| Collards, Shagging and George |
| 11.25.04 (3:25 pm) [edit] |
My plan worked.
I made up my mind yesterday that I was going to spend Thanksgiving in front of my tv with the boys. There was a close call - but thanks to Mona's husband channeling a raving idiot .... I did it - I DID IT! A fantastic idea on my part - don't quite understand why I haven't done this before ... must consider this again next year
:D
One downfall to spending alot of time at home is the propensity to notice just how incredibly dirty/dusty/messy/clutter ed/un-NICE my abode is ... craziness! I've managed to collect a bunch of stuff that I have nowhere to store and no desire to throw away. My vacuum cleaner needs an enema - there is an abundance of green shag carpet clogging up its' innards - everytime I turn it on ..it pukes up green dust ...YUCK.
But in the midst of it all, I have discovered the show [url=http://www.sho.com/site/deadl...]Dead Like Me[/url] ... and now I'm regretting the discovery. Season 2 just wrapped up and there is no word on an upcoming season at all. Bites! I'm still waiting for the L Word to resume in February... UGH!
Oh and I managed to put together a half way decent Thanksgiving dinner ...the greens came out good ... yummy!
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| Easy like Sunday Morning |
| 11.21.04 (6:04 am) [edit] |
[i]I wanna be high , so high
I wanna be free to know the things
I do are right
I wanna be free
Just me ...
That's why I'm easy ...easy like Sunday Morning[/i]
[i]Woke this morning with a smile on my face[/i] ...ok ok ... I'll stop ...but I did!
I found out that my son (the elder of the two) has cajunas! Not in the literal sense -well yes literally he does have them, he IS a boy - I digress...The kid has been lacking in the assertiveness department when it comes to his dad.
You'll remember this [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]post[/url] .. PopUp came to town left town leaving my child in tears? Yeah?
Well PopUp is in town again this weekend. He called yesterday to let us know he was in town and wanted to spend some "quality" time with his son. I communicated as such to the boy to which he responded [i]"Mom, I don't really wanna go with him ... it's too hard to not cry when he leaves - I'm okay talking to him on the phone"[/i] ... Well alrighty then ... I repeated that verbatim to PopUp who most certainly didn't want to take my word for it ...so I gave the boy the phone...
Now this is usually the moment in which the child backs down off of his belief instead choosing to be a loyal follower ... I caught the tail end of the convo something like this [i]"Yessir, I will see you tomorrow before you leave."[/i]. HA!
In an attempt to mask my pride - I tried to convince him to go ... [i]are you sure ..it might not be so bad ...you've talked to him more lately.. maybe you should?[/i] "No. I'm okay" he said ...
Well alright!
They just left to have breakfast together and I am sitting here in my nice comfy bed, curled up with the laptop at peace.
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| Dayuuuum ...throw them 'bows |
| 11.19.04 (6:46 pm) [edit] |
Detroit and Indiana throwing bows .... I've got a brand new respect for Ron Artest and Jermaine O'Neal ... check out the story [url=http://story.news.yahoo.com/n...]here[/url]
Ridiculousness ... no matter what ... you don't go into the stands ... but on the other hand ... if the fans are allowed to throw bottles and cups ...why can't the players throw punches in return?
Craziness!
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| Plan. Execute. |
| 11.18.04 (4:38 pm) [edit] |
Today - I purchased 2 of the books I will need for a class I hope to take in January.
Today - My eldest son had his 1st basketball practice. He has good ball handling skills. I can see in his eyes, he wants me to be proud of him. This weekend, the b-ball league has their opening ceremony celebration. Apparently, it is a big deal ... he's excited and I am excited for him!
Today - I setup Parent/Teacher conferences with his teachers ... I've got to find out why there seems to be so very little homework... UGH
Gotta go - Syracuse is playing and I am having the hardest time typing with this big Orange foam finget on my hand ... LET'S GO OR-RAAAANNGGE!
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| 26 to 31 |
| 11.14.04 (8:57 am) [edit] |
Well it's that time again. December 10th.
Time to reflect ...
In my 30th year ....
I finally spoke up for myself when I felt one of my friends was being inconsiderate and selfish.
I became involved with a married man, went on a trip with him and actually said " I love you" to him
I finally made it clear to my sons' father that I'd rather chew glass than be with him
I have seriously considered putting my ideas down on paper
I am learning how to not pretend that everything is alright. It's ok to be stressed, It's ok to not have the answers for every inquiry ...Apparently, it is even ok to ask for help - before someone offers it!
I understand that I have a commitment problem. I intentionally seek out 'relationships' with people that are darn good at going through the motions.
I am expressing myself better than ever. Taking care to say what I have to say - considering the reaction to my words less.
During my 30th year, I have begun to hear the whispers of depression and self doubt. I've lied to make myself look better ...I've said some things to intentionally hurt someone's feelings.
I'm open to learning ... I need to grow ... I'm going to focus on me more .... focusing on me means less of being sweet, smart, attractive, sexy, wet or funny and more selfish, intuitive, need to let go of the past ... and persevere ... make ME happen. I don't want to be 40 still listening to you tell me that I should write ... I don't want to write because it'll make me a buttload of money (maybe) ... Honestly, I want to write because once it is out on paper - it will not be resting on my shoulders, weighing on my mind ... it will be out there for everyone to consider ... hopefully, it will bring some sort of "yeah, me too" out of the people I know... maybe it will explain me to me a little bit more ... I know that sounds crazy but when you are like me ...you tend to live in denial, I don't relate anything that I do to anything that I've done. It is almost like life is happening around me - I don't feel like I am participating in my life as much as I should....
In any case ... almost Happy Birthday to me!
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| Getting My House in Order Part II |
| 11.05.04 (6:48 pm) [edit] |
If you are reading this post... stop ... go down a bit a read Part I first.
I'm not being a good mom... point blank! This comes from a lack of trying... lack of motivation, stress and unhappiness.
I had a talk with my big dude this evening and listened to what he had to say. Asked him to speak with me candidly about how he feels and what he has seen ...
After our conversation we agreed to the following terms:
1) I will limit my phone conversations/ computer time while the boys are awake. Pay more attention to what they need during the 3.5 hours we have after we all arrive home.
2) I am going to stop yelling at them.
3) I will find places and things to do on the weekends for us ...
In return/conjunction he agreed to:
1) Listen and react when I tell him to do something
2) Do his homework and keep his room clean
3) Stop talking back (this leads to an immediate and angry reaction from me)
4) Find places to go and things to do on the weekends for us
5) Stop intimidating/ being aggressive towards his little brother
Hopefully, making these small sacrifices will allow us to become a much more cohesive familial unit. I also suggested that he consider moving to STL to live with his father. I may have been more candid than I needed to be but I told him that I had doubts about his father being able to provide for him ...as he is severely lacking in that area now ... but he told me he would give it some thought and get back to me...
We also spoke about the possibility of speaking with a child psychologist - so he can better learn to communicate and deal with his pent up anger issues ... he actually admitted that he doesn't know why he gets angry and why he gets as angry as he does ... pretty mature for a 10 (almost 11) year old - remarkable dude.
I am stressed and I need to find a better way to relieve that stress...Taking it out on my kids is no longer an option ... I would like to find an outlet ... a cooking class? writing class? something that will allow me to escape and learn at the same time ... Any suggestions?
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| Getting my house in order |
| 11.05.04 (5:38 pm) [edit] |
Time for a tough love session. First let me give credit for this post to my darling sister... and to, a lesser degree, my immature, pouting, high maintenance, incapable of separating herself from the problem to step up and say what needs to be said friend.
I maintain relationships with men who take-take-take and give nothing in return. To be fair to the men, I've never held them accountable, nor hinted to them that I want something besides an O in return. Yet over time, some semblance of friendship has evolved ... though I am unable to be a constructive friend and a lover to any of them. When I am not in the mood - I duck and dodge phone calls, because I don't want to have to say no ...I don't want to disappoint. It's sad because from one of them a solicitation for sex comes only once every couple of years or so ... 99% of the time ... He actually calls me to confide, to connect, to relate .... just to shoot the shit. What kind of friend is SO afraid of what might happen that I make myself unavailable when friend duties beckon?
I get offended, turned off, depressed even sad when a booty call comes after hours of listening to them pour their hearts out to me about other women. It's not that I want them to confess of their undying love/devotion for me ... not the case at all. Actually, I'd thought because we were relating so well that my role as sperm receptacle was retired that we were FRIENDS - good ones at that. I get angry when hints are thrown that I should just hook them up ... for old times' sake ... because a brotha is a little backed up ... let me show you i still got it ...etc; I long to be more than the chick they used to fuck... I want a friend.
As it seems, it is difficult to achieve this growth alone ... because you don't seem to understand where I am coming from ... you don't see me as your typical woman. I take that as a compliment, I really do ...but that begs the question ... what's wrong with being your typical woman?
It's time to have this discussion with them. Time to let them know my mental. Does this mean that I have to discontinue my friendship with them because sex between us is no longer an option? Is it possible to grow from cut buddies to just plain pals? Or is sexual history too much to overcome?
Part II ...up next
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| CUTE ain't PRETTY |
| 11.03.04 (4:07 pm) [edit] |
So much to say to you ... but talking to yo' cute ass is like talking to a brick.
So much to say to you ... but yo' cute ass ain't gonna hear me ... instead you'll choose to dismiss my message by calling it "hating"
So much to say to you ...but yo' cute ass is always on the defensive... not sure why ...I'm just trynna understand you
So much to say to you ...but yo' cute ass don't seem capable of empathy
So much to say to you ...so I'll say it here ...
Seems to me that somewhere along the way ...someone told you ..you was cute ... then I believe someone else told you ...and someone else ... and someone else ... I'll even bet that people are still telling you that. And hell, for the record, I know you are a cute woman ...sexy ... funny ... but that is SO besides the point.
I cram to understand you. It makes me wonder what goes on in your mind. What leads you to share what you do.
If I were you ... wait...that's the point...I'm not. Nor, do I ever aspire to be ...nor do I envy what I've learned about you FROM you and your actions.
I'm seeking discernment ... I need to see more than what you present ... cuz what you show is cute... but cute ain't ...
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