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me |
I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| "ME ... right now" |
| 10.30.04 (1:18 pm) [edit] |
I'm sitting in my new home listening to the almost silent hum of my Dell...on the other side of my bedroom wall - my toilet is running. Where it is running to - I have no idea. It should be exhausted - it's been running non stop for the last 54 minutes.
My sons are headed out with a family friend to a function at her church ....Hallelujah! Night - A Christian alternative to Halloween. Pretty Cool.
Trying to make the most out of this little bit of free time ... but I have a scheduled soiree with this [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]guy[/url] - the former "Person of Interest". But all of a sudden, now that the boys are gone ... I just want to sit and enjoy ME. The urge to share ME has subsided drastically. Too often, I find myself sharing just a bit too much of ME leaving little time for ...Me
I'm in a weird place emotionally ... I feel like I am about to crack sometimes - my children constantly ...CONSTANTLY screaming, whining, yelling - would love to figure out how to stop that... but this post is NOT going to be about that bullshit ... <----see how my demeanor changes? My neck and back automatically tense up when I think about them ...>
Breathing in and out.
Part of the reason I believe I am still involved with [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] - is because "dating" a married man allows me to be completely selfish. I don't have to put any effort into maintaining the "relationship" - he does all of the work. Honestly, as sad as it reads, it serves its' purpose. He is my excape from reality ... it is hard to quantify but sans the emotional turmoil it causes (when my heart aches for something more tangible - as it always does when one is involved in an unfulfilling relationship) - I'm good. He basically worships the ground I walk on ... will do anything I ask .... and is satisfied just to be around me, talk to me.
He is for me what I believe I am for him - An Escape ...
Hmmmph.
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| So much to say |
| 10.27.04 (6:01 pm) [edit] |
In my mind, I have ideas, characters, situations, foreshadowing, antagonists, protagonists, good guys, bad guys, single moms, single dads - I have their stories in my head.
I've been reassured and encouraged by the folks that love me - "you should write - I'd pay to read ya - go for it, your voice needs to be read!" I have at least 3 hype men and 2 hype women ...
I need to put it all together ... just once ...
So tired my brain is foggy... need to call it a night...
I'm hurting because of a trust that was partially betrayed... it sucks...
but life goes on...
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| Ode to Baby Boy |
| 10.21.04 (3:09 pm) [edit] |
[i]What started with a "I'm diggin' your look - can I see you again?"
Ended 4 years later - just now - with a "Fuck You"[/i]
I've spent the last 2 years trynna get back at you ... the last "GOOD" guy that I'd had in my life. But truth be told, you stopped being "GOOD" for ME about 3 years ago.
Turns out I was never quite ENOUGH for you ...
Though I was (according to you) [b]beautiful, talented, sexy, funny, smart, J!E!T!S! loving and caring.... [/b]there were some things from my past - that you refused to get past ...
Never ENOUGH
Though I had (according to you) the [b]strongest sex drive of any woman you'd ever been with[/b] ... you wondered WHY my sex drive was so high ... who else had benefitted from it in the past...
Never ENOUGH
Though I would (according to you) cook the "bomb ass dinners and breakfast" you wondered did I use to cook for "him like this back in the day?"
Never ENOUGH
Lost my mojo... back in a bit...
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| Update ... |
| 10.20.04 (8:01 am) [edit] |
After my last entry - I suffered a major meltdown. Unable to make sense of my mental state (big surprise) - I voluntarily checked myself into a local facility for observation. While I was incredibly apprehensive about it - I was more scared of what I might or might not do if I didn't seek professional advice.
Ok... not really ... after the last post ... my gracious friends that volunteered to help me move... unplugged my trusted pc and took it to my new apartment leaving behind only the cords and surge protector. AAaaaargh - free movers, didn't have the nerve to ask them to go over there and bring it back ...
Please forgive the silence - in this instance ...it was golden!
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| since last week |
| 10.04.04 (6:21 pm) [edit] |
... i have reconnected with an old [i]should have been [/i]flame
... i have experienced a bad case of depression .... felt extremely overwhelmed ... lost 30 minutes time - just stared into space ...came to and the clock showed thirty minutes had elasped ... loss my appetite though I was famished a few hours before ... didn't care what my children were doing ... little dude made himself a sandwich ...big dude ate cereal ...luckily a friend indeed came over and got them subway! ... considered getting in my car and driving ... just leaving them here alone...with my cell phone .... told a coworker I was unhappy ...fundamentally unhappy... (my coworker's don't even know my kid's names ...or that i have kids for that matter) ... prayed for God to kill me ....
...i have packed up quite a bit of my stuff in preparation for my move ...
... i have discarded alot of crap in preparation for my move ...
... i have received a note from dekalb county government asking for $100 for an alledgedly unpaid parking ticket from 56 months ago .... ( i remember paying it ...with all of the packing ...can't find the receipt)
.... i have received a $1.00 check in the mail from my insurance company .... (1 down...99 more to go)
... i have discovered the joy that is ebay ...specifically ikea on ebay ..(and possibly kate spade - you didn't really think i would go through this blog entry without mentioning the boots, didya?
... i saw my son's father ... (think he triggered my depression) ... he told me thank you ... my strength and determination allows him to be the slack ass that he is... because i take care of my boys' he knows everything will be alright ...
...i'm sick of the... gotta find other punctuation to use - that's it
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