MISANTHROPIC ...MISS


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I'm chilling!!!!
 At this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
 

missing.
09.30.04 (11:52 am)   [edit]
not arrogant enough to believe that my life is that horrible. putting it
all into perspective ...considering my decisions/choices ...
i have exactly what my actions asked for ... begged for..
i'm just frustrated ... irritated ... angry ... sad ....and i feel incomplete.
i had a thought ...maybe it was a dream ...but it feels like deja vu.
going through my daily. it seems like all of the people i encounter
are telling me that some thing is missing... [i]somethings' missing.[/i]at work. at home. in the grocery store. the daycare. at fellini's.
in my car. they tell me [i]"somethings' missing"[/i] on the radio.
AM and FM. on my blog. in my email.in my bed. on my back.
legs open or closed. eyes open or shut.
[i]somethings missing.[/i] what's missing?

phone ringing ....
 
Helllloooooo Luuuvvvaaaa*
09.28.04 (2:26 pm)   [edit]

*channeling SJP speaking to a pair of Manolos on SATC...


I went to Lenox Mall at lunch with my sister and my friend, Meredith.  We started out in Neiman Marcus ... walked around and around the store on two levels before finding out they did not have the boots... can you say Disappointed?


Left Neimans' with my lip poked out ... walking past Sharper Image ... glancing at Hermes (pronounced Errmaze,per my fashion forward sister ... I thought it was HERMEES rhymes with HERPES...ha ha!) ...


I was bummed dude ...straight bummed ... but wait... what's that? It was fate ... FATE I tell ya ...Actually, it was KATE,  A KATE SPADE STORE... right there in all its' "KateSpadiness" glory ... sigh!!!


Waltzed in like I/WE owned the place ... the boots were calling me ...


Kendall, Kendall!!! ..girl get on over here ... I'm BLACK ...and PURPLE, my cousin, is back there ... take us to 635 ... we'd look guhd in your closet ...guhd on your feet ... guhd wrapped around your calves ... just damn guhd...


Fabulous ... ab-sa-fu*k-ing-loot-ly FABULOUS!!!! I couldn't stop gushing over how remarkable I felt when I put those boots on ...My toes ...the balls of my feet .... my shins ... my calves ... just OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


I know you all are anxiously waiting ... so here it is ... may I present ...
Kendall n' Boots


YEAH!!!


 


 
 
What I get for trying to be nice...
09.26.04 (6:38 am)   [edit]
I have always held my tongue ...never vocalized the words that define you in my brain. I have always thought that I had the best interests of my child at heart. But this time - I was clearly wrong. I didn't forsee the pain, your POP-UP would cause ... didn't anticipate the tears and confusion.

So here I sit on a beautiful Sunday Morning without the power to soothe and comfort my own child. I just spent the better part of an hour trying to get him to breath in between sobs ... urging him to talk about what had/has him so sad/mad/confused. Turns out POP-UP told a mendacious story about how mom kicked dad out of the house. Regardless of how you put it the child's understanding is this (and unfortunately I quote) "[i]you kicked him out of the house after he broke your door and he said he moved here to be with us ...and since you kicked him out there was no reason for him to stay [in Atlanta]"[/i]
Hmmm.. your child feels like he is not enough.... see a big F*ck You would otherwise be appropriate here but what purpose would it serve?

So, how do I fix this ... do I dare let the venomous words on the tip of my tongue pass through my lips? Dare I defend myself against your misrepresentation of the facts ... Naw. Unlike you, I realize this is not about me or defending my actions. It's about that 10 year old little boy in there whose world is spinning .... It's about letting him know that he is MORE than enough .... somehow I have to convince him that you would if you could (even though in my mind - you can)

Hmmph ....
 
Real Quick
09.26.04 (4:25 am)   [edit]
How the fugg is Jermaine Dupri dating Janet Jackson?

I know it's been going on for awhile..but damn .... how ...who...what ?? There's an [url=http://www.accessatlanta.com/...]article[/url] about JD on ajc.com ... It mentioned that he is 5'4" ....
I think his relat' with JJ signifies the BIGGEST come up of all time ....

Have a good day y'all!
 
Blogging...
09.25.04 (5:39 pm)   [edit]
ok so... I've been blogging for a year and some change... I dig it!
I've recently begun to read blogs outside of tblog...yeah I know..Imma lil late... but check it... here's a list of blogs that I've found that are so intriguing to me.
1st - a little semi self promotion... check out [url=http://www.metroblogging.com/...]metroblogging.com[/url] ... It's a bunch of bloggers in a bunch of cities...get this..BLOGGING ABOUT CITIES !!! There's

[url=atlanta.metblogs.com]atlanta[/url]

[url=boston..metblogs.com]boston[/url]

[url=chicago.metblogs.com]chicago[/url]

[url=houston.metblogs.com]houston[/url]

[url=london.metblogs.com]london[/url]

[url=la.metblogs.com]los angeles[/url]

[url=neworleans.metblogs.com]new orleans[/url]

[url=nyc.metblogs.com]new york city[/url]

[url=oc.metblogs.com]orange county[/url]

[url=orlando.metblogs.com]orlando[/url]

[url=sf.metblogs.com]san francisco[/url]

[url=seattle.metblogs.com]seattle[/url]

[url=tokyo.metblogs.com]tokyo[/url]

[url=toronto.metblogs.com]toronto[/url]

[url=vienna.metblogs.com]vienna[/url]

[url=dc.metblogs.com]washington d.c[/url]

I've also stumbled somehow onto a slew of different totally random sites that you might like or hate ...

[url=http://www.randomoddness.com/...]Random Oddness[/url]

[url=http://randomreality.blogware...]Random Acts of Reality[/url]

[url=http://chezmiscarriage.blogs....]Chez Miscarriage[/url]

[url=http://www.distracteddiva.blo...]Distracted Diva[/url]

[url=http://angryblackgirl.com/wel...]Angry Black Girl[/url]

[url=http://blackgirlinterrup ted.n...]The Me Nobody Knows[/url]

[b]Are there any blogs out there (besides your own and [url=scubadiva.tblog.com]ScubaDiva[/url] ) that you HAVE to read on the regular?

Have you signed up to be reminded via email on someone else's blog ... ?

If you click on the favorites icon at the top of your browser ...how many blogs you got saved?[/b]
 
Higher regard
09.23.04 (4:36 pm)   [edit]
Hold yourself in higher regard.
You deserve better.

I should tat those two phrases on my forehead. Not that even in that proximity do I believe the words would actually sink in.

I hunger for the day when I will be able to look back and say:
a) Gosh, I was really stupid
b) Thank God...I let him go
c) I could have done much better
d) Blood stains on the green carpet ... not so bad
e) just kidding with #d (yeah i said number d...and???)

I surely want to get over this ...my longing for him is disrupting my daily ...my patience with other people is short ... I am easily irritated by the advances of other men ... I'm lying to my friends about what I'm doing at night ... I just can't seem to get OVER....

[i]( ...at night... i just want to be left alone... i respect my friends too much to sit on the phone and waste their time pretending to be interested in their lives or tha crap on the telly) [/i]

I've been operating all this time under the belief that one day I'm going to wake up and not feel him anymore ... but the reality of it is..that day ALWAYS seems to be tomorrow.

It is never today... so I keep fooling myself...with the thoughts [i]"this will all end ..it can't go on forever ... something's gotta give. "[/i]. I guess the bigger question is ... what has to give? What am I willing to lose to lose (becuz really there is no gain here) ... What am I willing to lose...?

Certainly not my sanity - though as the days creep on ...I realize that is slowly slipping away.

I don't want to lose the essence of what we have built ...which is a friendship ... as stupid as it is ... I trust him. you have to also realize that as a rule ... I don't trust men. AM I one of those "other" women who honestly believes that oh..[i]he'd never cheat on ME ... I'm the LOML..his SOOOUL mate ...blah blah blah....[/i]naw, I don't really believe that ... What I truly believe is that I would [b]not[/b] be surprised if he did ... I would even partially blame myself for giving him the opportunity...

SO, Is it really trust or more like emotional blackmail (I heard that term from someone TODAY...was it you?) ... We are both parties to the crime (in some states) of adultery ... being the only person with whom he can share this secret with ... we have begun to believe that we can tell each other [u]anything[/u].

But that's not really the real deal now is it? I'm privy to this info only because I'm in on it ... come on girl ...you don't really believe that do you? I mean... he tells you everything... even things he doesn't tell his wife ... girl you are the closest to him ... girl ... he LOVES you ... he trusts T R U S T you with his life (at least life as he now knows it)
Love... L O V E ... Love...
I suspect these are the very same emotions that walked down the aisle ...went to the courthouse or whatever it was ... these same emotions that led him to the union he is currently in.

Look at what L O V E and T R U S T has led him to do ... YOU ...

Confusing isn't it ... naw not really... you have to realize he is not being true to himself ... not certain of what he wants ...unwilling to make the decision to really let you move on ... He's made the decision to stay married ...maybe it is for the kids.. more than likely no ...see there's a guarantee or at least a semblance of one ...there is still a person there that is honoring those vows... if she doesn't find out ... she will still have his back ...ride or die ... but with you ... as wonderful and different and similar as you are girl... you are a [b]risk[/b].

[i]I know that I am rambling but the friggin words keep flowing so bear with ...(as always, you can take a break and come back later ... :lol: [/i] I've got to work this out...

Learn to stand on your own again... Remember that at some point prior to this ... YOU were enough for yourself. Your happiness was within ... you didn't seek outside influence. Not really true...but sure sounded GREAT .. You weren't happy ...but you weren't disappointed in yourself

[b]PAUSE... at the beginning of this ... I was speaking for myself to myself ... now it seems as if someone else is speaking to me ... the I's have been replaced with YOU's ...yikes... what's next 3rd person? [i][b](i.e. Kendall needs to remember that Kendall needs to walk away.) [/b][/i] WEIRD... maybe I should stop now... I'm kinda freaked out...[/b]

Hmmm ...just wrecked my flow... FUGG!!!
 
You're INVITED
09.23.04 (11:28 am)   [edit]

I've got 6 GMAIL accounts and have already hooked up EVERYONE that I know.. so I am now extended the invites to the tBlog familia...


Hit me up on tMail .... and I'll hook you up!!!
 
The LEDGE
09.22.04 (7:38 am)   [edit]
words have power ... words change things.
I said something to you this morning ...that rubbed you the wrong way. It was the truth... what I actually have been thinking all along. But being the chick that I am, I've been kind enough to not share it with you.
You have encouraged me to say what is on my mind ... share what is in my heart ....
Today, you told me something that ,emotionally, I was not ready to receive... The highest of highs ..the lowest of lows ....
As soon as those words left your mouth ... I felt as if my boiling point had finally been reached... 5 hours later ...I feel as if I'm about to boil over!
Not one to harm the innocent ... a certain calmness is trying to creep in and take over .... trying to make sense out of the illogical situation I've placed myself. Trying to understand as bad as it is right now, it will get 10 times worse.
Self-gratification at someone else's expense, especially her expense ... not worth it...
I'm feeling better as I type ... guess YOU need to thank God for tBlog ...
I was/am/was/am incredibly close to retaliating ...but then I think ... why bother.
I chose to become the other woman ... having had full knowledge ... so how can I now be angry when you decide to turn into the husband your wife thought she married?
It's great that you are defending her honor ... it would be even better if you started honoring her ....

Breathing IN... Breathing OUT ...
 
WHY.
09.21.04 (4:23 pm)   [edit]
So... after receiving a call from baby mama #3 or is she #4? I learned that I can put the black dress in the closet and stop searching for healing words... turns out you rolled back to the place you were born and bred... Perhaps somehow hoping to recapture the "it" that you used to have but have long since lost...
Not sure ...

If not for the daily conversation I am privy to about other lackluster b-diddy's - I would have forgotten about you. I stopped needing and counting on you years ago mostly out of anger, partly out of pain. I stopped making excuses for you, because I needed to stop lying to [b]my[/b] child...I don't want to teach him to apologize for other peoples' shortcomings...

A drug habit ... an itchy trigger finger ... maybe hitting the sauce a bit more than you should... but that's not your style ... I wish it was ... to me being a crackhead is a tad bit better than just being [i]sorry[/i]... At least with crack, there's a 12-step program ... what can you do to cure a bad case of "slack-ass"?


My question for you is WHY- NO better yet HOW?
How can you sleep knowing he is missing you. No, he doesn't say it ... I try not to bring you up.
Why do you constantly refuse to reach out to him ...?
How are you able to go through life neglecting your life long responsibility.

I'm so angry ... I really do wish you dead. At least then my kid would know where you are .....

 
whoops.
09.19.04 (4:32 pm)   [edit]
my bad folks... for the 3 of you that read regularly. I guess I should let you know that my tits are just that ... ..albeit lumpy. tumorous.[b]benign[/b] tits... YIPPEE
I have two [url=http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlin...]fibroadenomas[/url] ...the doctor will see me in a few months to make certain they are not growing .... if they are ...they'll remove them...
If they aren't they'll check again a few months after that ... and so on and so forth...
So I'm happy!!!!
 
New Beginnings
09.19.04 (6:47 am)   [edit]
she never imagined that she would ever end up here.
or
the conversation went just as she imagined - she couldn't have anticipated what happened next.

sitting at her kitchen table, scenarios running through her mind ...maybe it won't be so bad ... it had been an accident after all. she didn't [b][i]mean[/i][/b] to ...
but the truth was - it happened and she caused it.
"how did i get here?" she wondered aloud
"you ignored all the warning signs and throw out all logic' he replied strolling casually towards her.
she hadn't heard him open the door. but there he stood the man who, in her mind, had made it all worth it.

kellen darby.
 
lonely.
09.17.04 (4:54 pm)   [edit]
once again sitting here trying to understand where my head is at ...where my heart is ...

quite honestly. i, for the first time in a long while, am lonely. i thirst for a relationship with a man who is all mine ...that i don't have to work at loving ... that i don't have to pretend to not want ...
but is that true?
or am i so lonely that i think that is what i want ....when in fact, i'm still caught up with [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] ...and my usual m.o. for ending a relationship always has included a penile distraction ....
not this time - i'm going to be an adult with it this time ...suffer through the separation .... day by day

I try to think if I even love [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] ...i mean how can i be in love with a married man ... how did i get into the perdicament. usually not my style at all. keeping it real as i always do..i'll admit that he doesn't have any of the qualities that i am physically attracted to normally. his mannerisms .... his history ...
i'm afraid that i'll wake up tomorrow and realize that everything i hae previously interpreted as 'love' is actually something less.

what was lacking in my life that i was open to being with this man?

what can i do to prevent it from happening again?

this is not what i envisioned typing about but it is what came out... i'll marinate on it ... maybe revisit this later ...

i love my life. i love my kids. i love my friends. i love myself.

i have a story to tell. will i let me tell it? GUHD question
 
Just needed to say it ...somewhere ..
09.15.04 (4:55 pm)   [edit]
***Special Note***
[i]This entry is in response to a discussion that I was a part of on someone else's blog... The jist of it is as follows:
Someone said something stewpid ... selfish ...and irritating ... I basically responded stating as much to the person ... said person questioned me about what I thought of them ... I basically responded saying who i thought she was and who i think she is = 2 different folks... and the latter is someone that I don't want to really fugg with .... Long story short (too late) someone else responded to me inquiring about my calling the other person (are you following me?) a bad person and that disagreements are not just cause for cutting someone off - blah blah blah ...my response to that is [/i] BELOW:

Let's see...
I never said that ANYTHING about faults/different beliefs making anyone a bad person...In fact, I never said anything about misa being a bad person. Furthermore, I never said anything about wanting to be around a group of yes men or women ... Not my steelo at all. In fact, my post in the first place was an opposing view... I do not agree with much of anything misa says and feel as if I have the right to state that whenever the need arises. Besides, I promise you ...I didn't say anything on there that other folks aren't feeling and thinking ...

My main point, which I obviously did not do a good job of conveying, is:

From my piece of TOS real estate - I simply stated that based on the little bit that misa is putting out on this blog ... she has not given me anything that I would want to latch on to and build any real type of friendship ... I believe that she is a good person, a smart woman just not my type ... plain and simple ... There is nothing wrong with that.

Yeah I want to know all types of different people ...as evidenced by my presence here ... I welcome diversity. I, however, do not have any desire to sit up here and continue to have conversations with a person whose only contributions are me me me stories about her life...her man ...her job ... her man ...her life... her man ...

Someone who basically semi-solicits advice and disregards ALL of it in the same breath ... Someone who can read all day about the trials/tribulations through which we all seem to go through and offer not one meaningful and selfLESS word of support or concern.

Perhaps she is just not that type of chick... Maybe she doesn't express concern/sympathy/empathy the same as others.... Maybe it's that she can't relate ... maybe she's just that busy ...

Whatever the case may be ...misa offers very little to TOS that doesn't involve herself ... it's that type of self-absorption that I avoid when it comes to letting folks in my life ...

You've given so much of yourself ... I feel you ... in your words ... in your conversation .... that's what has me praying for you at night ...

Simply put, I just don't FEEL her ....
 
???
09.13.04 (3:24 am)   [edit]
Sitting at my desk trying to figure out ...
[b]How am I going to make it through this day?[/b]
All I want to do is cry ... I woke up crying... feeling incredibly alone ...

Needed a hug right then and there - needed someone to tell me - it will be okay ... but when I reached out ...no one was there ...

Feeling overwhelmed by my situation right now .... I'm uncertain what is going on with my body .... and it scares me ...I'm really scared.

Sigh..my words are not bringing me any comfort ...usually purgiing does the trick ... hmmph
 
Insert Catchy Title
09.11.04 (6:11 am)   [edit]
So the last week and a half haven't been an emotional rollercoaster for me at all ... I've just been in the dumps ...
I'm not going to say "there's just been so much going on ... trying to make sense of it all" ...that's simply not the case ...
My OB/GYN found a lump in my breast, so she sent me to have a mammogram ...they concluded that the lump my doctor found was nothing at all ...YIPPEE ...but those 2 lumps in the other breast ...now those ...those look ...interesting... SO the breast doctor told me that I'd need to have a biopsy ...as soon as possible... how about Friday?
Friday meaning yesterday.
So I spent the week between the breast smashing and the breast poking ... researching all things "biopic"... Doing this type of research - as warned by the Wise one - would only succeed in freaking me out ...
I'm usually in my own mind, pretty level-headed, even-keeled ...steady as a ...steady as a ...?? Whatever...I'm like this ________________________ most of the time.

Not this time though, I laid awake last saturday ... sunday ... didn't turn on the tv just existed..both of my boys were gone ..it was just me and my lumpy tit (sorry NC).
In any case, it wasn't exactly that I was laying awake thinking about cancer, even my having it or anything like that. I thought about the one consistent prayer that I've been praying (when I do pray) ... I've been praying for a "moment". No, not the length of time I'd pray ..but that was what I requested in my prayers ... to have a life defining moment.

All of a sudden, I feared that maybe ... just maybe August 20, 2004 at 1:45 ...when Doc Dopson placed my index and middle finger from my left hand on my right breast and asked - what's that? d'yafeelthat? I fear that was my moment.
That, truth be told, is what has me awake at night ... very anti-climatic, quick, not exactly the grandest of moments. But a moment nonetheless.

So if that was my defining moment - what does it mean?

I've got to run now... I'll be back in a couple of hours to finish my thought.... would it be inappropriate to post pictures of my biopsied-boob? I mean [url=shespecies.tblog.com]sheshe[/url] has pics on her blog ... just kidding ... I would never (maybe) ever (possiibly) do that (where's my digi-cam?) ...

Back at ya
 
Question for you ....
09.06.04 (4:21 pm)   [edit]

I'm 30 years old...I make less than 60k a year... live in an apartment ... am a single mom with two school age boys ... no help from the dad ... drive a 11 year old car ... 3 grand in student loan debt ....some other (none of your bizness) debt .... and I contribute regularly to my 401(k) .... Given all of this above information ... is it  [b][i]wrong[/i][/b]  for me to purchase these $575 boots? 



They are so friggin' sexy... I'm drooling imagining strutting around in them ...

 
It takes a village to get me to blog ....
09.06.04 (4:11 pm)   [edit]
so I'm back over here at tBlog ... I've discovered that the grass is green on the other side ... but it is also very lonely and extremely boring ... I miss not being able to search for blogs .. miss that stupid tblurt thing ... or the recent blogs thing over there ... most of all ... I miss checking out my favorite tBloggers ... (I have a hella short attention span ..so if I'm not on tBlog ... I don't remember to check my favorites...) so I say all of this to say I'm back until this thing fucks up again ....