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me |
I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| Friends |
| 07.29.04 (7:01 pm) [edit] |
Tonight I had dinner with my bud ... we sat elbow to elbow at Pano's and Paul's sampling calamari, shrimp, pheasant, and batter fried lobster tail. We talked about the change that he has seen in me over the last 8 weeks ... apparently I've taken a "break" from his friendship too ...
It's funny I have a tendency to pigeon hole the folks in my life ... I have my "lifer's" ... my college crew ... my co workers .... and now my blogmates .... With FEW exceptions - none of these groups of people have ever met the others. Apparently - things must have gotten hairy or potentially weird for me to have kept things this way. As of late, I've tried to mix things up a little bit ...have my worlds intermingle so to speak ...
NOW I KNOW WHY I HAVE NEVER ATTEMPTED THIS BEFORE ... It's not necessary - causes heartache and ridiculous drama ... and I'm not doing it again ....
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| Forgotten |
| 07.24.04 (7:34 pm) [edit] |
how does it feel to be forgotten ...to suddenly realize you are not (nor never have been) number one?
In the grand scheme of things - I want to matter to someone... That's what I'm looking for ...seeking/craving validation ...Being IMPORTANT to someone ... I want to be needed like a newborn needs nourishment ....
this is NOT working for me today ...
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| Just pack it in and walk away |
| 07.23.04 (7:44 pm) [edit] |
I keep telling myself to do this ... I have [u]almost[/u] every intention to do so ...but something keeps me right here .
I sound like a broken record - this I know... How is it that I am satisfied with 1/10th of a man ....
not really sure what this has to do with my present predicament but certainly it shaped my attitude towards sex.
I was molested as a child by my cousins and grandfather ....
My father is/has been a drug addict for a good portion of my life - he was all good until the drugs (not sure which) took him away from us when I was in middle ? or high school? ...
Hmmm .... I've never shared any of this .... oddly liberating ... it's got me thinking ...
Trusting a man is something that I don't do - I don't do it ... It goes like this ... the major male figures in my family have yet to amount to shit ... I have been consistently disappointed by men my entire life - most importantly at that critical time in my life ...shit even before then .... I grew up learning the importance of keeping secrets ... grew up feeling ashamed of myself ... wondering what the fuck was that feeling ... why is he doing this ... does my mom know .... is he doing this to my sister .... i don't want to go over there again ... is grandma going to be there... please don't make me go there by myself ... don't leave us alone with him ... In the attic ... ugh ... fucked up yeah .... don't tell ... between me and you ...you like this ... see the milk ....fucked up yeah ...
So his dad ... my moms nephews ... my dad ...drugs are more important than us .... hey i'm doing my own thing ...not knowing what the hell my own thing is ... drugs are more important ... he pretends that every thing is alright but I can see that shit is fucked up but daddy says it's all good ... so it's all good for gramps to do this ... okay for dad to come home with shit stains in his pants ... hey babe - how was school ...you doing alright ...i'm going away for awhile to 'school' your mom will take care of you girls ... but it's not okay ... whispers about school being rehab ... dad's on drugs ... brother is angry ... so angry ... why does he hate ... wait brother and sister not really brother and sister ... wait wait ... not just us .... more issues ... not just me .... more secrets ... if i could be a better girl maybe dad will come back...we could take road trips again ... why does dad leave at night to get cereal for us ... come back hours later ... if i could be nicer, more ...just more something and less trouble ... daddy would choose me instead of drugs .... hmmmph it never happened ... maybe I'm still waiting ... maybe I'm still waiting ....
So sex right ... no big deal ... something I do to make me feel good ... something I do to not disappoint ... if I'm just agreeable ...he will like me ... if I'm that cool chick down for whatever ... he will like me ... dunno ... that could be it ..is it really that easy?
Guess tonight is the night for sharing secrets ...huh? I am writing this because I want [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] to know ... he shared with me ... and I want to share with him ...but what if he rejects me after he finds out .... hmmmm ... I still 'have' you guys ... not seeking approval yet inviting people to 'read' me .... not wanting to air my dirty laundry but desperately needing to get this off my chest ...I'm hurting y'all ...yet I can feel - as the tears slip down my cheeks onto my neck ...I can feel a huge weight being lifted ... funny thing is even though I am sitting here barely able to see ...the moisture has gummed my eyelashes together ... my fingers refuse to stop walking across this keyboard ... I'm not even really thinking about what I'm typing ..no ...this is coming from somewhere else....
i've mistyped some words yet - despite my impaired vision ... the ed. in me forces me to go back and correct me mistakes (that was intentional)
Sorry this post is so long .... take a deep breath ...bookmark me ..come back later and finish reading ... whatever ... I just want to know that it is okay... that i'm okay ... until I get that validation ...this will never be enough .... seeking validation needing salvation ....
I love him because I haven't had to pretend to be more than I am with him ... he's 'read' me ...and still looks at me like he needs me to exist ...that is most likely inaccurate - but that's what I feel when he looks at me .... he makes me feel like i'm okay ... maybe that is why he is in my life ... not for love or sex or a life long relationship .... maybe he is here to help me learn to love me ... to show me what i can't (or don't want to) see ... I can't seem to let him go ... letting him go feels like .... [b]ouch[/b]
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| mind fart |
| 07.22.04 (2:15 pm) [edit] |
I hate it when...
[b]after[/b] people do you a favor ..saying the whole time [i]..." aaaawww girl, don't worry about ...girl ... it's all good ..just be there for me if and when I need you ... "[/i] I hate it when they act like they just made WATER for you ...like what they did moved mountains and shit ...
I mean I'm almost regretting the fact that I even asked you cause you are straight being a blow hard about things ...
Thanks ...
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| Jill Scott ... |
| 07.21.04 (7:10 pm) [edit] |
..and Wise ...and Tiff ... Ivy ... Joji ....Erc ....T....
Interesting ... first off let me say that I was in the presence of greatness this evening .... The ladies above and [url=http://www.jillscott.com]Jill Scott[/url] - Talented .... strong .... Sexy ... Can't wait until Jill's cd comes out ... guess I should hold off on critiquing (sp?) the cd since a) I am fresh off of listening to her voice and 2) I have only heard about 4 or 5 songs ...(fabulous ...though) ...SO in any case - she was and IS great ... August 31st
In any case ...I'm tripping because I was sitting in the concert and picked up my phone and called [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] so he could hear Jill sing a song ... I didn't speak to him I just opened my the phone hit the speed dial and he listened ... After I closed the phone, he sent me a message which said if she sings "He Loves Me" that he dedicated it to me ... Interestingly enough, that was the very song that Jill started singing as if on cue ....
I know it means nothing - I am (regardless of what you may think) getting on with my life ... I don't write about everything that is going on with me ... because quite frankly ...that shit doesn't confuse me ...I've got various parts of my life in check...
... I love myself ... probably not as much as I should ...not nearly as much as I used to .... but more than I have in about 8 months ....
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| This is not for you to comment on |
| 07.20.04 (12:39 pm) [edit] |
Repeat after me ...
He loves his wife
He loves his wife
He loves his wife
[b]My thought process[/b]:
[i]Nothing he has said has ever alluded to the fact that he didn't but actions speak louder than words ...
If he loved his wife:
Would he be "here" with me ... Would he hold and kiss me the way he does ... Would he support me the way he has ... Would he look at me the way he does ... Would he say "I love you" to me ...[/i]
He has said "I love you" to me ... yet he goes home to her every night ... if I say he doesn't love his wife because he's "here" with me ... wouldn't the same apply to me ... he doesn't love me because he's "there" with his wife???
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| 11:51 |
| 07.18.04 (8:26 pm) [edit] |
I've got a splitting headache because I've got a lot of shit on my mind.... So about 20 minutes ago - I took half a tylenol w/codeine (left over from oral surgery - yes it was, and is, [b]THAT[/b] serious) ... and now I am blogging until the friggin medicine kicks in ... and then i suspect that I'll be long gone ... at least until tomorrow at 6:45 a.m. ....
So anyway - I had several blogs on my mind for today including:
...When LOVE is not enough...
...My new website...
...Grow it or cut it off...
...I miss my life...
...We had a good run...
So I guess I'll start with the last one and go from there ...
[i]...We had a good run...[/i]
This one is about my inspiration for this blog .... My 'cut buddy' ...the guy that I have turned to through the years for guaranteed orgasmic, ejaculatory sex ... Well, at the tender age of thirty ...CB is deciding to settle down ..hey I knew the day was going to come so I ain't mad about it ... I'm happy for him and Kelly (that's her name) - he needs someone to have his back - that's real important. He's loyal like a mufugga to those who are loyal to him. So, out of respect for his budding relationship - I am bowing out gracefully ...
[i]...I miss my life ..[/i]
So it's been almost 8 weeks since my babies went away - I want them back. After this time apart - I am even more angry at men (and some women) who can walk away from their children ...as if they don't exist. I miss their scent ... their smiles ... the noise they make twenty minutes after I've told them to 'shuddupngodosleep' ... I miss the joy in their eyes when they see me after a long day .... I want my babiesbackbabiesback ...ha ha
[i]...Grow it or cut it off[/i]
MY HAIR IS GETTTING ON MY FUCKING NERVES ... I AM SO CLOSE TO CUTTING IT THAT I COULD SCREAM...but a cooler head (pun intended) is prevailing at the moment because I really enjoy the color - can't really love color when your hair is less than an inch long ...I've given myself until September before I take action !
[i]...My new website...[/i]
I've been working on a more permanent home for my blog ...something that allows me total and complete control ... I love tblog and e'rethang but I have a desire to kick things up a notch ... [i]details to follow[/i]
[i]...When LOVE is not enough...[/i]
love is not enough ...when the man that loves you is married to someone else
love is not enough ....when the man that raised you constantly promises and disappoints
love is not enough ...when the man with whom you have children does nothing to support his children
Dead to the world .... holla at ya girl ...
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| Inspired |
| 07.17.04 (9:04 pm) [edit] |
i've been kicking it checking links on other sites ...following links on those sites to yet more sites ... I'm inspired to get my site up and rolling as I want ...woo woo ....
Did you read the article about the dude that hit his woman with his pet alligator? What type of shit is that?
I had a great time with my TOS fam .... dunno we just seem to 'click' - it's cool .... the first GROUP of new friends that I've ever made ... usually it is one person at a time ....but hey ...I'm not going to question why these folks are in my life ... they just are ...
Sitting back I remember why I went to mia's blog in the 1st place - totally...I promise this is not a lie ... i need new glasses and am freaked out by contacts ... i really thought initially that it said NIA ...which is the name of the little girl that I want to have ...my absolute favorite name in the world ... pretty funny huh? my blind eyes led me to that spot and ultimately - these folks ....
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| Breathing In ... Breathing Out... |
| 07.13.04 (6:27 pm) [edit] |
Earlier today I commented on another blog - I made a reference that pissed the owner of the blog off ...pissed her off to the highest level of piss-tivity .... At the time, I wasn't really offended by harshness of her comment because I am able to recognize that what I said may have been out of line ....
I've had a blog for a year now ...I've shared some incredibly personal things about myself on this blog ..as a direct result of doing this I have been called a bitch, slut, whore, skank, trick, dumbass, whore ...wait I already said that didn't I? My point is, I put myself out there - not because I'm getting paid to do it - but because I desired a place where I felt comfortable enough to share/sort out my thoughts. The comments are always welcome and encouraged - I value everyone's opinion I don't always agree but I respect their right to voice it ...
I'm saying all of this because I am truly bothered by the shit old girl said to me ... I don't usually let petty shit get under my skin ...I've learned to let things roll off my back ...but not this ...
So I'm thinking ...I'm thinking ...why is this still nagging at me ..why is this still bothering me ...I don't know her she doesn't know me ... It hasn't hit me yet - I'm still searching for the answer ....
Maybe I am a bitch who thinks I'm perfect ...
Maybe I am buying into the bullshit mentality that only men can use women for sex ...
Maybe I am ... over suspective (her words - not mine)
Okay wait...what the fuck is over suspective..whatever it is...Maybe that's what I am ....
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| Happy Anniversary ... to ME |
| 07.11.04 (5:04 pm) [edit] |
Just realized that I've been tBlogging for more than a year ....
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| Perception is Reality |
| 07.11.04 (8:56 am) [edit] |
[b]Is Perception really Reality? [/b]
I've found that in my little humble existence that ... Perception ISN'T Reality ... Perception can be deceiving because, oft times, it is based on preconceived notions i.e. prejudice ....
[i]If you have ever been cheated on ...betrayed by the person you trusted the most - reading about my decision to have a relationship with a married man would almost certainly infuriate you to the point where you would decide that I am a morally corrupt desperate husband dating bitch whose only concern is self gratification...
(if only it was [b]that[/b] simple) [/i]
Perception is Reality ...is the screen name I chose to use on the [url=http://www.ajc.com/living/con...]ajc.com blog [/url] referenced on the left side of this page ....It just popped into my mind after I decided I wanted to say something about the topic of the day. The more I think about it - the more I am inclined to believe in life ...in the real world... the exact opposite is true.... Perception is NOT Reality ...Not everything you hear or read or see is exactly what you heard, read or saw ...
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| **THINKING OUT LOUD** |
| 07.11.04 (8:35 am) [edit] |
So I'm sitting here listening to music... Kanye ...I'm about over him - I've been listening to the cd for about 2 weeks non stop ... I figure it's time to move on because I realize I know just about every word to every song ... Found myself singing along just a bit TOO much at his concert on Friday...
Who's next? I might go back to my DMB ...or maybe Anthony Hamilton... decisions decisions...
So, I'm sitting here looking out my window at the sun and trees...the little boys playing in their backyard which sits next to the apartment building I live in ... I have no desire to go anywhere today - but times-a-wasting and I feel as if I need to get off of my ass ... and figure out in what direction I plan to go this year ....
[i]*Side note* My 'New Year' starts on August 9th - that's when my boys go to school!!! [/i]
I made a promise to myself that once both of my boys started school (not day care) I would go back to school At this point ... I have a few ideas about the direction I would like to go in ... However, none of these ideas are exactly floating my boat ...
I am going to talk to someone about CCNA, and MCSE certifications ... but the thing is - I'm not really interested in being either because honestly - I don't love being IT ... can't imagine doing this outside of the company I currently work with - I just don't want to work with any weird techie white guys for the rest of my life .... Narrow minded -yuh... but it's my truth - so shoot me... HELL ..you don't want to deal with weird techie white guys either!!!! They creep me out ...
In any case ... I'm making some decisions...as it seems my bosses are wanting to throw money at people. It is time for me to step it up and ask for what I want... I've been at the company for four and a quarter years (4 1/4) - I will be fully vested in the 401k next March !!!!! I want to go to the next level career wise (even if this isn't the career path I most desire doesn't mean that I can't be the shit at what I'm doing...)
SO there I have it ...
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| When did it happen? |
| 07.06.04 (5:00 am) [edit] |
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| One more thing...NEWBIE |
| 07.01.04 (5:49 am) [edit] |
Didn't want to end the last post ... with this....
....................../´¯/)
....................,/.¯./
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............/´¯ '...'/´¯¯`•¸
........./'/.../..../......./¨¯
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
..........................'...../
..........''............. _.•´
..........................(
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| Open Letter to Newbie |
| 07.01.04 (5:45 am) [edit] |
I hate that I'm even going to respond to your comment ....
I never said anything about being 'deep' ... so what are you talking about ...?
All I talk about is sex .... and your point ...this blog serves as a place for me to express my thoughts about what is going on in my life ...things that I do not have other outlets for.... Sex is MY topic of choice ... if you are not interested - yo - don't read it ...
What burns me about you newbie is that you don't have the balls to reveal yourself ... that's lame
Lastly,
Prayer changes things .... I'd found out something about a friend of mine and I felt compelled to put it out on the blog for future reference when things get tougher for her ...
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