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me |
I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| Shedding Tears for a |
| 06.30.04 (12:12 pm) [edit] |
Lord,
Please send your Angels to watch over, protect, and support Wise ... I don't know what you have in store for her, what your will for her life might be... All I ask is for your goodness and mercy on her - she is and has become a significant part of the TOS family. Her burden is in a small way our burden as well. I truly believe you have ordered my steps towards her for a reason and am committed to serving in whatever capacity you desire ... Please strengthen her faith, and continue to show her favor ....so she can continue to bless us all ...
AMEN
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| Things to accomplish |
| 06.27.04 (7:05 pm) [edit] |
before my children get back ...
1. Go to the movies alone
2. Purchase bunkbeds, chest of drawers
3. New bed for me
4. Complete the last fourth of crown molding
5. New Tires
6. Find Shamrock Middle School
7. Clean house - like EJ cleans
There are more things...but I'm tired
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| Anger. Part I.II.III |
| 06.26.04 (6:24 pm) [edit] |
Anger.
That sums it up ....I'm just going to ramble this list off real quick-like, while it is still welling up in my throat
fuck you for playing with my emotions - fuck you for not realizing how important you have become to me - fuck you for not understanding that all i want is you - fuck you for questioning my sincerity- fuck you for being all that i desire and what i can't have at the same time fuck you
Anger. Part II
fuck you for thinking that you know me - fuck you for comparing me to a stranger - fuck you for always questioning my opinion - fuck you for discounting my views simply because they differ from yours
fuck you
Anger. Part III
fuck you for getting me hyped up - fuck you for being less of what you said and more of what I expected - fuck you
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| when all i want is you |
| 06.26.04 (6:01 pm) [edit] |
...don't dangle time with you in front of me
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| To be titled... |
| 06.24.04 (7:23 pm) [edit] |
Things on my mind at this very moment:
1. Sniffing my panties - don't ask
2. The idiots in the Atlanta Hawks organization ...why ???? Jameer Nelson has proven himself for 4 years ...he was THERE for you to pick up ...
3. Exchange Server 2000 - 'mine' went down last night for no apparent reason - hoping the problem will not re occur tonight
[b]GO DENVER PICKING UP JAMEER - I'M A FRIGGING NUGGETS FAN FOR REAL NOW....................... Damn now you just traded him ...hmmmm I guess I'm a Magic fan again??? Check back with me late October (ha)[/b]
4.
4.
4.
Wow ... I started this post 2 hours ago ... now the only thing on my mind is sleep ....
Hopefully I will be able to continue this thought - manana ....
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| another piece to the puzzle |
| 06.17.04 (8:37 pm) [edit] |
What the fuck is it about NB?
For those keeping track ...this guy is [b]NOT[/b] [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] , [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] or [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] ....
I’m going to just keep this shit real for real …. Hope you can handle it …
I am attracted to this man like no other …now, when I say, no other … I mean we haven’t done anything sexual, he hasn’t even hinted towards having the desire to get down with me, for me to not know what he is packing and STILL have my panties wet after spending time with him – that’s like NO OTHER ….unheard of – for real…
In any case – he doesn’t fit the “take me now, fuck me hard, lift me up, knock it out” type brother that I usually gravitate towards – naw, this dude right here, is ‘petite’ he's my height, my weight - I could probably wear his clothes (yuh, really). Yet – to be near him …grrrrrrr …. My mind just starts trying to figure out how to get to next to him … I want to KNOW him …
Now don’t get me wrong here – the attraction is physical also – I’ve never [i]had[/i] a man my size, that’s intriguing to me…I love his voice ... it just ...mmm... it [i]moves[/i] me ... but for whatever reason, I don’t want to have JUST sex him. I want to KNOW him first because sex always taints things for me ….f-ing him would be expected, typical yet I feel that his presence in my life is anything but expected or typical – ya feel me?
I feel like he can teach me some things about being true to myself – a concept that I have long lost touch with ….
Dunno – I guess I’m tripping …. Directing affection/ attention towards the one man who is NOT falling at my feet, begging for the chance … at least I hope that is it.
I just don’t want to make a fool of myself with this one – yeah I care about THAT too – I think he is special …
He efinitely arrived in my space for a reason – now it is time to be still, listen and wait for clarity …
[i]I've got to be cool ... be cool ... ICE COLD ....[/i]
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| Life is TOO short - Las Vegas ...what's the big deal? |
| 06.14.04 (1:09 pm) [edit] |
Just getting back in the swing of things since my trip to Vegas ....Before I go too far ..I'll recap ...
Pretty much Vegas sucks ass - I've never felt more out of place as I did there ...
I'm not a big drinker, I'm not in the position that I can afford to throw money away and I hate the smell of cigarette smoke ....
So why the hell is it that I decided to go to Vegas knowing all of this - well, I love my sister and she put in a lot of effort planning our summer getaway ....
Tuesday night: Arrived in Vegas - lost 75 cents in the airport slot machine ...should have considered turning around and boarding the next flight back to Atlanta ...
Tuesday Night - Saturday Night: lost more money
Sunday: arrived home lamenting my horrible luck in Sin City ...vowing never to return ...oddly enough - I am intrigued by the concept that the MGM Grand wants to buy Mandalay Bay .... surely these talks were spurred on by my big donations to MGM - my loot gave them the extra cash they needed to tender that offer ..
and lastly - What's up with the mexicans throwing porn your way every 20 feet?
But I digress ...back to my original topic...
Life is TOO short ... Just read on ESPN.com that one of my favorite columnist died ...Ralph Wiley... he was only 52 - that's younger than my parents and now he's gone ...
This, of course. gets me to thinking about death, life and love .... what is most important, who is most important and how I want to be remembered when I'm gone .... Of course, my children come first and my heart aches thinking about not being able to see them grow up - I know that my days are numbered - actually all of our days are numbered - I'm just curious how many days I have left ...and something that always crosses my mind when someone dies suddenly - did they have any 'intuition' that the end was near - any clues that death was on the other side of the door they just walked through ...
I thank God for my life so far - I thank Him/Her for giving me free will and for not striking me down for my ever growing lists of sin .....
I'm still marinating on this ....I'll be back
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| ...still in .... |
| 06.06.04 (7:23 pm) [edit] |
It's been quite awhile since I posted about [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] ...This is partly because I've not wanted to admit to myself that he still has a HUGE part of my heart and mind.
How ridiculous it is that I'm still holding on to that which I can't have - and I'm not fighting the feeling anymore.
You may read this and judge - that is your right and your prerogative. I'm not typing this blog to justify my actions or emotions, I'm simply stating facts.
As I was sitting across from my [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]'Person of Interest'[/url] - I was thinking of him ....
As I was sitting in my chair with Sir Lick-A-Lot's head between my thighs - I was thinking of him
As I was running the slant down the field - I was thinking of him
I just don't know how to turn my heart off - to say BUT he's married that's how you do it - it's that simple ...it's really not that simple ...Obviously, that wasn't good enough to keep this from starting - it is NOT going to be good enough to end it... Call me stupid - call me a whore - tell me he will do the same to me given the opportunity - tell me it is all about the sex for him - tell me that he's using me and I'll get hurt for sure ...
I've considered all of these things and my [u]mind[/u] has not changed - I'm in this thing with him and for whatever reason - I'm not running away ...
Back when this thing started - he kept saying - we will see if you are still saying that in June .... we will see ...
Well it's June now and I'm still in love with [b]HIM[/b] ... now what?
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| SO...DATING as AN ESCAPE |
| 06.02.04 (6:29 pm) [edit] |
Went to have a couple of drinks with my [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]Person of Interest[/url] ... We laughed and laughed and laughed - what a cool guy .... Maybe I'm just a sucka for new people but I was so comfortable with him ... we are going to make it a "real" date - this weekend ... maybe ..
If nothing else - we will be real cool peoples ... and you can't have TOO many of those in ya life now can you?
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| Yeah - it's funny, maybe even interesting |
| 06.01.04 (5:56 pm) [edit] |
But would you buy it?
I've had a few perusers of this blog - try to encourage me to try my hand at writing fiction as a potential profession...apparently these folks think I have a talent. I'd love to be able to support myself using my brain, fingers and words ...I'm just not sure if there is a market for my brand of "ME" - who would pay to read the words from a 30 something single mom in Atlanta?
I mean - I would but is that only because I can relate? Is there an audience for this type of shit?
Dunno - what do you think? This thing got any legs or are my perusers -gassing my head up ... Do my words- paint pictures, compel you to read more????
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| Apprehensive... |
| 06.01.04 (5:48 pm) [edit] |
I created this blog as a place where I would be able to tell it like it is ...as things happened in my life - I would describe them here so that I could analyze, regret, giggle or otherwise purge the feelings I have. Unfortunately, due to my naivete and desire to be accepted - I've acknowledged the existence and even pointed folks to my blog to read my inner thoughts. At what price - I no longer feel as if I can be candid ..I am regretful of my decision to share...
I now self - censor my entries- for fear that someone who knows me or is getting to know me - will find my thoughts/actions reprehensible ... Once again, I'm submitting myself to be judged...
I wish to retreat back into the shadows ....go back to treating this blog as my dirty little secret ...but alas - I can't turn back time - can I?
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