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I'm chilling!!!!
 At this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
 

UPDATE....I DON'T BLOW
05.30.04 (7:57 am)   [edit]
heh heh heh ....

My 'Person of Interest" from [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]this[/url] entry....
Sent me the following 2way ....from Cancun ...

[i]I accept ur apology..I will call U when I get back 2 Atlanta. (Smile) UR e-mail made my weekend![/i]

So, for now, I'm back in his good graces and will have the chance to screw it up AFTER talking/meeting in person (ha) ....
 
Sadness
05.29.04 (12:07 am)   [edit]
Tears don't wash away the sadness

It's in my throat ... slowly creeping upwards
It's in my eyes ... threatening to overflow ...
It's in my heart .... pounding louder with every beat
It's in my lips ... quivering over clenched teeth
It's in my toes ... aching from being stepped on
It's in my hand ...oozing down towards my wrist
It's in my mind ... whispering previously untold secrets
It's in my pores ... silently inviting fear and turmoil
It's between my thighs .... wishing (irrationally) for that which has been given to be returned

Sadness is in me, around me, above and below me ...
Sadness is ....ME
 
I blew it... maybe
05.28.04 (12:21 pm)   [edit]
Being the oh so secretive private chica that I am - I am not only online dating ... I am online dating passing pics around, as well as, posting my pic on match.com ... Now I've done all of this with a tad bit of a security blanket ... I am not using my real name ... somehow that makes it all better and easier to deal with ...

I have published more of my secrets on this site than I've told the people who have known me all of my life... Just recently, due to some self sabotaging, I dropped subtle hints about my blog to a certain gorgeous family member of mine .... I've wanted to share these things with her for awhile but didn't want to share these things with her ... so I basically pointed her in the direction and let her marvelous little brain work its' magic ...

In any case ... there is a person of interest who contacted me through match.com that I've been playing email tag with.... because I set the account up under my pseudonym - I gave a different email address and e'rethang .. So we've exchanged pics and everything... he even took the initiative and gave me his cell number ...To my defense - I've been overly occupied with my kids leaving, a website I'm working on and season finales of my favorite shows, not to mention [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]Dating as an excape[/url] ... I had every intention of calling bruh man but alas - it just hasn't happened ...
The bad thing is ... that I told him "I PROMISE" I'll call ...and I didn't ...
He sent me an email - and in his ever charming way - basically telling me I was full of shit ... and he was really looking forward to meeting me ..or at least talking mouth to ear .... and that he thought I was fine (weird) but if I don't keep my word NOW ...why should he expect me to do so later on? *STING*
SO I left him a voicemail and I sent an email apologizing for being a lame O ... we shall see if he calls back or replies to my email ...
My next big problem is to explain my reasoning for using my pseudonym ... He's REALLY going to think I'm psycho...

Aaaargh ...
 
Wrecked my flow ...
05.27.04 (7:17 pm)   [edit]
[i]**I was planning to come up in here and write some serious in depth prose that would have surely led to self discovery... but as per usual ...my pseudo roommate came back and wants to talk -FUUUUUUUCK**[/i]

So instead - you get this:

I have to admit something - I've recently discovered the joys of online dating ... weird right ? You put your biz out there..send a pic and viola ...people either dig you or they don't - they holla ... or they don't .... It's really rather freakish but what the hell ...
So I sat down at my computer one day and decided to put myself out there - thinking outside the box - I went through the whole 'interview' trying to sound as witty/intellectual/ground ed/ambitious/sane/crazy/s exy/low maintenance/challenging/e asy going/charming as one woman can be .... I was straight up about what I THINK I'm looking for... even offering some sage advice for my fellow onliners .... It was rather simple and it seemed as if people warmed up to me ... and offered an occasional warm response to my quips ... I thought hey - I might be on to something here ...
Fast forward about a month and *gasp* - it is official that I am now figuratively speaking, online dating ...5 women and 2, maybe 3 men. WOW - quite a feat for a heterosexual monogamy seeking single mom in the ATL right? As far fetched as it seems - it's true.
We converse with one another on avg. about 30 hours a week ... for 4-5 hours at a time ...

For instance ...there's JJ - from the moment I 'read' her - I was caught by her ability to make her [i]thoughts[/i] float across the screen. Seemingly as random as the lottery drawing but as deliberate as a painters final stroke ... She brings perspective unlike any other ...
Then there's AB&R ...bust-a-gut funny - some of the wisdom he offers conjurs up visions of a comedy club with the deep voiced emcee booming 'Comintodastage - it's ya boy"
Speaking of Wisdom, ever meet a person who possesses the prudence of aged soul [b]AND[/b] the enviable vitality of youth? That's WD - all the way ...

I could go on and on and promise that I will ...soon ...



 
Boo Hoo
05.23.04 (5:42 am)   [edit]
My boys are leaving for their summer vacay tomorrow - at first, I was extremely excited about them being away from me - as I am suffering horribly from SSMS (stressed single mom syndrome) but now I'm sad that they will be gone. Even though I know they are going to have a ball with my mom and other family members - it will be good for them to get away from the yelling mama ... right?

So now I'm looking for somethings to do to occupy my time - something that will help me grow and stretch my boundaries ... I have some ideas - I'll post at a later date ....

Random Rambling...

I just read my fave [url=http://www.spoilerfix.com/24....]spoiler site[/url] for my show '24' and well it is a tad bit shocking and over the top IF it's true ....

My ex keeps playing this f-ing 'cat and mouse' game with me ...it's irritating - why won't he leave me alone?

I've canoodled with [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] again .... nothing sexual ...we just had lunch .... this man has saved voicemail messages from me so he can listen to my voice - we listened to them - I sound hella sexy (it doesn't even sound like me to me) but that's not the point - he has these messages and he listens to them often ... should I be worried?

The sperm donor showed up at my son's promotion ceremony looking like a street dweller - you've seen the type ...dressed in layers (it was no less than 80 degrees) ...carrying a duffel bag (no doubt containing various sundry items and snacks) wearing a pair of sunglasses that made him look like a Star Trek extra ... Ever since the incident (him kicking my door in ...threatening my guest with a hammer and barbell) everytime I see him I want to smack him, gouge his eyes out, kick him in the balls, tell the world what a little dick he has ... I want to do everything that my 'level headedness' would not allow me to do that night ... It's not hatred - it's one nth degree below that - I wish him nothing good ... in fact, I want him to suffer and would actually welcome any type of debilitating disease - I don't want to feel this way for him something tragic would have to happen to him for my heart to bend in his favor .... Until then - I'll be one nth degree below hate ...

Let's see ... what else is there ... gosh.. after typing that I feel great ... guess I'll go do some laundry ....
 
A few things..
05.20.04 (7:13 pm)   [edit]
#1 Tblog is REALLY tripping! I am in the process of moving everything over to my own site - hopefully, I'll be able to do it before this site goes *poof*

---- my 'roommate' gets on my nerves for real y'all, she comes home late and insists on talking about her day despite the fact that I am sitting here typing UGHHH!! ----

Now I'm too sleepy to finish my thought -fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
 
Opportunity is Knocking
05.20.04 (3:56 am)   [edit]
I'm sitting here in my jammies - realizing that my little BIG break is coming up!

My children are going to see their grandparents, cousins and friends for the summer - leaving me to my own devices ... Am I going to squander this opportunity - as I have in the past? Or am I going to take charge and make some decisions and changes ?

I am looking for that ever elusive happiness that I crave ... What will make me happy?
Is it a job, a man, a house?
OR
Is it being proud of who I am as a person?

I know what happiness FEELS like - close your eyes and imagine sitting on a beach- you feel the sand between your toes ...The air ,salty with a gentle breeze blowing in from the sea ..The sun is bright - kissing your forehead, nose, cheeks....the waves breaking on the sand inviting you to envelop yourself in its infinity.. Here is happiness - it is in the sand , the sea, and the air. You listen and and you feel, you listen and you feel.

Happiness is peace.

I want peace in my life - that perfect balance of living according to God's plan and living life to the fullest.

They tell you to find the one thing that you would do even if you didn't get paid - and find a way to get paid for it . I love to write - using words to transport strangers into my heart, soul and mind - that's powerful to me.
I've said before in the past that I wanted to affect people with my words - that still holds true ... but is there really an audience for what Kendall has to say?
Are there people out there searching for my words - to inspire them to great things or at least dialogue?
Whenever I read a book - a good book - I close it and sigh and go into deep thought about how that person was able to summon the courage to share.
My biggest fear is rejection - the thought that my words - the very structure of my thoughts could be criticized - floors me.
I have to learn how to use words to connect to the reader - bring depth and validity to my subject matter with the hopes of pulling someone in ...

I've got to run now - responsibilty is calling me - time to take him to school
 
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhh
05.17.04 (7:13 pm)   [edit]
[i][b]Random Ramblings ...[/b][/i]

I FEEL like screaming

There are thoughts in the back of my head that I don't want to deal with ....Thoughts that I want to explore and dissect just not now ...

I am reading a book that I am totally capable of writing ... I just don't have the motivation to do it - that's what sucks ass ...

Good news is that I'm growing apart from HIM - I saw him Saturday - at the football field ... my physical is still attracted to him but mentally, and emotionally we are definitely drifting. I realize that I have to get over him - my heart has to let go - has to breathe on its' own ... I am only fooling myself if I think that he, that we could ever be more than stolen moments ....

'THE ONE' is still very interesting and I'm intrigued by him ... but for whatever reason - I can't bring myself to call/act on him - I simply call back/react TO him ...

My [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]cut buddy[/url] called and asked what was up with me this weekend - I lied and told him I was on my . - Believe it or not - I may be out growing that arrangement too ...

Interesting...
 
Help me see what you see
05.12.04 (8:04 pm)   [edit]
Am I suffering from low self esteem or humility?
- You be the judge

When I look in the mirror - I see:

A short black woman with a hair do that is a cross between Oprah and ([i]if it's humid outside[/i]) a jheri curl-esque 'fro.
From there my almond shaped [i](they used to call them chinese)[/i] eyes drift down to my nose ([i]non-descript[/i]) and my lips. I love my lips - juicy, perfectly formed and inviting ... my lips say HI! even when the rest of me doesn't .... Properly positioned on either side of my [i]soup coolers[/i] are my dimples.

Ever present and deep - they beg for attention and for their efforts - they rarely go unnoticed.

We are still heading south here - I have a scar of unknown origin on my chin. When asked about it - I've credited everything from an 'old football accident' to a 'mistake' by doctors at birth ... But truth be told, hell if I know where it came from ...

[i]Before I get too carried away - I DO have eyebrows ([i]dark brown[/i]), ears ([i]two[/i]) and grey ([i]yes GREY[/i]) eyelashes. There's also that mark left behind by my over-attentiveness to a chicken pock when I was 10 ..yes that scratching really does leave a mark[/i] ....But I digress ...

I inherited my dad's football players neck - complete with that fabulous and extremely [i]'effeminate'[/i] roll in the back ....hot hot hot!!!

This is where things get interesting, THE CHEST - I come from a long line of big breasted women on the dads side and a longer line of [i]'itty bitty titty'[/i] committee members on the moms side... So, I've been [i]blessed[/i] with a more than average size bosom ([i]but nothing in comparison to my Auntie and Grams - whoa[/i]) .... Looking at them now, I remember how awesome they looked 7, even 5 years ago - back then I had a nice RACK ... I can still appreciate how nice they look in a turtleneck, or tanktop, or my favorite black bra - not so bad for a 30 year old mother of two.

Next, in part due to gravity, and the shortness of my torso - you don't have far to go before you run into my 'inny' - there is 'birthing mark A ' to the left and a dark line just beneath it ... Let's follow that line shall we?

The line leads us over 'the pouch' ([i]2 kids and an affinity for Chocolate[/i]), and 'birthing mark B' ([i]C section[/i]) dead ending into 'SistaGirl' ...

Now I'm not going to stand here and dwell on the physical characteristics of "SistaGirl" - I'll just say that she is overweight and has a severe drooling problem when she gets overheated ... HA!

Heading south again, I've got a pair of average thighs, average knees ([i]complete with another scar of unknown origin, 'there's still glass in it'[/i]) nice calfs ...

^
^
^
All of this ^ rests on 2 small heeled, plump toed, size eight feet ....

It's pretty easy for me to look at myself and describe the image that I see reflected back at me - but I'm still not seeing what you see.

I've tried looking at the back of my eyelids while listening to you talk about how I'm a 'quite a catch' .... Marveling in the joy you seem to derive from just looking at me ...
I appreciate the compliments - I'm just not convinced that woman you describe is ...ME

SO tell me - is it low self esteem or humility?
 
The Ex who wants Next ... even though we didn't Last.
05.12.04 (2:10 pm)   [edit]
And you thought that I was a desperate clingy homewrecker right?

Here's the flip side ... apologies to [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]fatalfame[/url] for whining about my ex ...

The Ex - I refer to him affectionately as [url=http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0...]'baby boy' [/url] - not because of his baby face but because of his youthful mentality ...

Never mind - this situation is not even worthy ...
FUCK HIM
 
Howdoitknow?
05.11.04 (6:29 pm)   [edit]
I hijacked [url=http://www.lares.dti.ne.jp/~yugo/storage/monocrafts_ ver3/03/index.html]this[/url] from Pleasantly Demure - where does she find this stuff?
 
Weird
05.11.04 (6:07 pm)   [edit]
:shock:
Up until this point -- <--- right here - I've never encouraged anyone to read what I've written. >So it's strange, almost disturbing, to me that I have chosen one of the most dazed/confusing periods in my life to expose myself to the world.

The question is [b]why[/b]?

I'd like to think that perhaps this is my road to self discovery and acceptance of who I really am - that I've finally pulled back the cloak of shame that has enveloped me for the majority of my young and young adult life...

But is that really the truth - because I'm intimating myself here to strangers - not to the 'movers and shakers' in my life - am I really exposing myself?

 
NEW SHIT
05.11.04 (10:55 am)   [edit]
Doncha just love the butterflies that swarm when you are getting to know a new person... The stupid "SHIT" you do when you are in 'discovery' mode...

Example... I sat my happy ass on the phone with 'THE ONE' until damn near 2 a.m. knowing good and well that I had to get up for work. But something about 'THE ONE' wouldn't let me hang up - the sound of his voice [i]moves[/i] me.

Why am I calling him 'THE ONE' ... well, I felt this moniker was suitable for him for a couple of reasons...

He's 'THE ONE' - I've had my eye on for awhile - the first time I saw him I didn't want him to leave .. I could have stared at him all day ... (and this was even under the influence of [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] ) and
I know it's a BOLD statement but there's something there ... I could be wrong... he might turn out being 'THE ONE' that helped me get over or 'THE ONE' that broke my heart or 'THE ONE' that painted my toenails .... Who knows ...

YES - I know it is too soon after [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] to make any rash decisions but I'm ripe for some real soul stirring, heart hugging loving from an unmarried, emotionally available MAN ....I will be careful not to project my feelings for [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] onto 'THE ONE'
 
The One...
05.10.04 (6:50 am)   [edit]
How do you know someone is THE ONE?
Is it something you know the instant you meet?
Or does it happen over time?

And is there a such thing as THE ONE?

Is there more than 1 THE ONE - I mean we aren't the same people at 19 as we are at 30 ... or 50 .... so if we meet THE ONE early on - how can you be sure that person is still THE ONE after time passes?

[b][i]Another thought ...[/i][/b]

Because of everything that went on and is going on with [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] - I suspect that I am emotionally unavailable - meaning I'm not open to pursuing a relationship with anyone because of my strong, intense,confusing feelings for [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] ... I was talking to this one guy on the phone after numerous INTRIGUING convos via email and he was just irritating to me - his phone convo had no substance - I didn't desire continuing the convo at all ... and I don't blame it on DUDE - I'm to blame because my heart is longing for, reminiscing over, craving - [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url]

My plot to [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]DATE AS AN ESCAPE[/url] was (and is) a great idea ... in theory and reality ... I've met a few interesting people but I don't want to 'shit' on them because my head is just not in the game ... I need to snap out of it and cut the heart strings before THE ONE passes me by ....

Any suggestions - take a pill, click your heels, hypnosis, contract killer?????
 
Buh Bye... Buh Bye
05.06.04 (1:43 pm)   [edit]


I've been trying to share this with you ... I'm losing my mind here - I want to be the only woman in your life - I want to be THE ONE for you. I want to be in your mind, heart and home. That's all I want from you - nothing less ...

But since it is and has always been obvious from the very, very start that I can't have that - I can't do this anymore. I'm so incredibly unhappy and in pain aching for you that I am unsure of what I might do if the pain becomes too much for me to bear. It is quite possible that my desire for you will lead me to [b]TELL[/b]. I can honestly say that I'm growing increasingly [u]less[/u] apprehensive about the idea..and that scares me - and it should scare you too.

I've given you an incredible amount of power and control in my life... you are the only one who can stop the pain.. Every silent moment I'm thinking about you - wanting you with me ..anticipating your call ... agonizing over your absence and regretting the reality that I'm in love with a man that I can't have .... It's a merry go round - that never ends - it never ends ..One day I'm UP - The Next I'm DOWN - fighting to understand the underlying desperation that has brought me to this place, unable to communicate when and how I desire, my heart aching from the malady that is this THIS ...

Please, please, please - I'm begging you - if you really truly love me .... leave me alone. It hurts, It hurts ... and I don't want to lose you due to a desperate act on my part. So turn and walk away from me back into your marriage giving your wife all of the attention, affection and love that she deserves... invest in it - make it grow.

I'm not foolish enough to say forget about me - because I realize, as I am writing this, how impossible a request that is. I just need to be me again, Just ME.

I don't want you in my life ...

The memory of the time that we've shared is all that I need and I thank you for doting over me and showing me that I'm worthy...
 
SEX and SEX and The City
05.02.04 (5:29 pm)   [edit]
Way to hit the ground running ... Well, I move quickly - I know that I said I was going to [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]DATE[/url]. Let's just say - there's no better time like the present ... I didn't mean to have sex ... it wasn't in the plan ... call it gravy ...

In any case...
I had sex while watching Sex and the City- it was the [url=http://www.hbo.com/city/episo...]episode[/url] you know the one where Samantha lost her orgasm ...well, I found hers and MINE ... It was so hot ... honestly - I'd thought I'd lost my [i]MOJO[/i] - but after I put [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] out of my mind - I was able to enjoy losing control .... with someone else ...
It's good to know that he doesn't have EVERYTHING on 'lockdown' as I suspected - now if I could just get my heart back from him - I can REALLY move on....

:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~: ~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~: EXHALE :~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~: ~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~
 
Which American City are You?
05.01.04 (7:20 pm)   [edit]
Thanks to [url=http://aliciarose.tblog.com/]AliciaRose[/url] - I found this cool test ...
I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO LA ... not really but what the hell - try it out if you're bored...
Take the quiz: "Which American City Are You?"

Los Angeles
You are the epitome of duality. You'll deal with all the strife to bask in all the glamour.
 
DATING as an ESCAPE
05.01.04 (7:07 pm)   [edit]
This entry started out as one thing but is now drastically changing directions ....
Hmmmm.... I'm loving [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] and hating myself for it.
My plan is to do something drastic that I've never done before - actually DATE ... I'm talking - conversations, lunches, dinners, walks in the park, down the street, IM and email exchanges - soul searching, flirting, time wasting, dating ... - anything to get my HEART off of him .... More than one person at a time... now it's time to have some fun with other people ....