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I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| Here we go again ...BUT actually NO ..yeah |
| 04.29.04 (9:04 am) [edit] |
The pain I'm inflicting on myself is akin to taking a knife and slitting my wrists ... Yet, that type of pain is almost welcomed because it CAN'T (?) hurt as much as this ...
Opportunity is now knocking for me to nip this in the bud ... for real but will I do it ... (for some strangely odd reason, I have the urge to break out in song RIGHT NOW even in my anger, pain and frustration - how weird is that?) ANYWAY - I am holding all of the cards, yet I won't take the steps to end my pain ... what kind of sick bitch am I?
Do I need to be chopped up into little pieces, buried alive or thumped on the forehead in order to get it ...?
God I sure hope not .... HELP ME!
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| EMPTY - Author being researched |
| 04.28.04 (1:11 pm) [edit] |
A poem that was sent to me by one of the Fab Fems on the AJC.com Dating blog - thanks WD!!
::EMPTY::
TELL me something - how do you feel in the hole?
It's that moment of realization that falls somewhere between excruciating silence and dead air space once the deed is done - he cums - then returns to his precondition of "soft" and falls out leaving two people in one wet spot with nothing really to talk about --except the weather--but we could talk about the weather and beat to death the topic of humidity in the air and if we really got caught up in the conversation perhaps we wouldn't have to bring up the topic of us.
And even if we decide to talk about us there would be really nothing else to say because it was all said before it was all done;
but in reality NOTHING was said at all and even less was done --do you find within yourself a great reason to boast that you really "put it down" tonight?
And while you were keeping score and
offering critical acclaim on your lovemaking technique -did you ever place yourself on pause and stop your hips from moving one time, to consider
how you would fill the hole when the sex was over.
The empty -- the gap -- the hollow -- the lonely that sensation that falls somewhere between the afterglow and the regret -- because beyond this
intense physical thing - we really don't connect -- and every time I let you in I just betray myself - I can feel you moving inside of me but I don't feel you're into me -- and maybe that's just geography,but location is everything. So where you at?
You Look DEAD into my eyes and still you have not seen me -every inch of my body you've touched and still you haven't felt me - and just because you can remember my name -- doesn't mean you know me but I am asking you to know me, I AM ASKING YOU TO KNOW ME and then you'll feel how deep I am when you're not inside.
And should we find ourselves again at the great moment of realization that falls somewhere between excruciating silence and dead air space once the deed is done
then return to your pre-condition of "soft" and fall out -- then you know what? You will still be inside ...ME
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| Am I really that bad? |
| 04.28.04 (8:23 am) [edit] |
Hmmmm ...
Take everything with a grain of salt ..
Don't believe e'rethang you read or hear ...
If it's too good to be true - It probably is ...
I was called a Pessimist today - a glass half empty type chick ... by someone I don't know (enter the grain of salt) and I countered it by saying, in essence, I'm a realist..I call things like I see them and that's it ...
But then I got to thinking ... now maybe I am a negative doomsday personality and I just don't recognize it ...
Honestly, there may be something to it but of course, I can rationalize my thought process especially when it comes to this particular situation is that I have a low tolerance for naivete and bullshit .. If I come in 'contact' or witness it - my 'spidey' sense goes crazy ...
Hmmm....
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| Only through Sharing ... will I get through this |
| 04.27.04 (9:32 am) [edit] |
And by posting it here - I'm in essence 'immortalizing' our [i]'nadaship'[/i]... It's OVER and for that I'm grateful
In His words ....
I am really at a loss for words with all of this. I feel like I used you in some way or another. I know you knew what you were getting into, but no one can really know what they are getting into when they are dealing with "ME"
I feel bad mostly because I know I went after your heart. It was wrong of me to do so, but I did. I wanted you in my life so badly that I totally disregarded the consequences.
...This means absolutely nothing to you (I'm sure) but you will always be my 'Cutie.'
As far as talking to me, in my opinion I think you should continue to. And I'm not being selfish. Talking to you gives you the opportunity to take out your range of emotions on me. I don't think there are many people that you choose to tell everything to, but I am one of them. Even though it's me that's in the middle of it, I still understand all of it. If you feel like cussing me out, I will be there. If you feel like just talking, I will be there. If you feel like crying or anything else, I will be there. Even though we were lovers before we were friends, I am and will be your friend. (ouch... friend sounds so ugly as an alternative to what we had)
I hate that you say that I dumped you. hate it, hate it, hate it.
As far as your love. It pains me to know that I have something so precious and priceless. Having YOUR love is a gift that no man should take lightly. Because you are so special, that only multiplies the value of your love. I only hate that I am not in a position to receive it.
Last but not least, you may think this is very easy for me. Or at least not as difficult on me as it is you. I can't gauge both without being able to physically feel what you feel, but I know that along with the hurt that I have, there is also guilt, because I feel as if I went into this not being concerned about you being hurt.
11G (ALWAYS)
:::: S I G H ::::::
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| I guess this is GOODBYE... |
| 04.27.04 (9:26 am) [edit] |
5 months of talking about us - now there is no more us .... what's left?
As a friend - I am very happy that you've managed to work through your marital challenges and are going back to your family ...
As your 'cutie' - that news tears me apart - not because there was any expectation that we could be together but because I realize that we are [b]SO GONE [/b]... there is no purported peaceful coexistence anymore ... I lose.
Even though I knew this day was going to come, even as I have been begging for it to end - to have it come to fruition hurts me to my soul ... I hate to be so dramatic but it does ... I'm trying to handle it and talk to myself make it clear that the pain, the intense agony that I'm feeling will not last long - if I am able to just come to grips with all that is going on ...
I'm not sure if talking to you is good ... but then I can't imagine not talking to you ...there will be a big void in my day if I don't have you there ... yet at the same time - why torment myself?
It's over - there's no turning back - but how do I stop wanting you? How do I stop?
It's not even like I want you to answer this email ...because you're not coming back to me ... That's the difference - I'm not going to be able to see you look at me the way you do ... I don't want to see you look at me any other way - I think that would 'kill' me ... I don't want to make small talk with you ... I want to respect what you so desperately need to accomplish - I want you to be the happily married man that your wife deserves and the dad your girls depend on... I don't want to do anything to take you away from them (again)- I regret that my presence in your life did that ... I really really do ...
I know that us being apart is 100% the right decision for both of us - as I sit here trying to type through my tears - that thought is prominent in my mind ... It just hurts like nothing I've ever felt before ... I'm alone in this because I can't call anyone and cry and talk this out - I deserve to sit here and hurt badly ... It's sobering (and SO evident) that I'm not a priority anymore
I do love you - this I realized last week (before you dumped me, and before loser acted out) when you told me you had left home - I cried because I knew that 'my' HIM was in pain - that's when I realized it for sure ... I realized that I want you HAPPY even if it means that we can't be together - other people say that and it seems so cliche but for me this was never about us being together it was about us ... being.
:::::: EXHALE:::::
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| ANGRY BLACK WOMAN part 1 |
| 04.26.04 (5:46 pm) [edit] |
I'm sitting in front of my computer trying to figure out the best way to tell a man who has been in my life for the better part of 13 years to kiss my ass and leave me alone...
I've been thinking about him and his contributions to my life and I can only say that they've been self serving on his part .... and I'm sick of it...
For far too long I've allowed him to treat me in such a way that I began to identify with the person he wanted me to be ...[b]BULLSHIT[/b] ...
I am so enraged by the fact that I've allowed him control and access to the important parts of me for this long period of time..and at one point I thought I was in love with him ... so I stopped talking to him ... because it became painfully clear that the feelings were not mutual... But we came back together - I think mostly because of the fact that we've been in each other's lives for so long - take sex out of the equation ...and now what?
What a piece of shit - he's mad at me because I will not have sex with him - because he's in a drought and we had that arrangement years ago... We'd hook each other up ..if necessity dictated ...
I'm not obligated to fuck you ...and I'm not going to fuck you because you are friggin' sorry in bed.... you pinch my nipples like city government pinches pennies... you shove your tongue down my throat as if there's honey at the very back and ificouldjustgettoityummy ....UGH ...
I'm sorry bruh - but you get's no more loving from me ... the thought of it bores me ... and furthermore your cockiness about the size of your cock (pun intended) is laughable ... you have no idea ...
I'm ANGRY
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| Feel like crying ... but I can't... ugh |
| 04.26.04 (10:38 am) [edit] |
Sitting here at my desk in the middle of the workday monitoring our Exchange Server migration ...(as expected it's [b]NOT[/b] going smoothly) ...
This weekend ..well Friday was horrific and I am just now coming to grips with the mess that my personal life is in.. I want to curl up in a ball under my desk and just cry ... maybe I'll go into my server room and just get it all out ...
I feel like crying but I really can't produce the tears necessary to bring me relief - but then again - I don't really deserve the relief now do I?
Here they come - it's the guilt that gets to me more so than 'losing' him .... there's no walking away from myself and realizing that brings tears and a sharp pain in my chest (or is that gas??? :P)
Being 30 - I am so aware that heartache and pain doesn't last long ... it fades over time ...
[i]
When will I be able to smile when I look at myself in the mirror ?
When will I be able to agree when people tell me how wonderful they think I am?
What about guilt and shame?
When will I be able to forgive and love ME again?
[/i]
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| Not so random |
| 04.25.04 (8:13 pm) [edit] |
I know it's not a good idea but my brain is going like 150 miles per hour in several different directions ... I just needed a little something to help me slow down and go to sleep ... So I took a couple of Vicodin that I have from my surgery .... Any minute now, I expect to make a nice little forehead print on my monitor :shock:
Friday was crazy - I lost 2 people that were very important in my life due to one desperately ridiculous moment ... Noone died but the course of my life (and theirs for that matter) has been altered ... and in this moment, at this moment - It's tough to call it positive ...
Where do I go from here? Definitely protecting my chest ... no more of this selflessness ... it's time to do for self ... But what exactly does that mean? Right off the top of my head - I need to stop putting others ahead of myself when I'm making decisions that affect me ...
The Vicodin is kicking in ... woooooo .... Now I know why this shit is by prescription only ... :shock:
I'm gone - Holla at ya girl
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| WHOA WHOA WHOA |
| 04.25.04 (7:42 am) [edit] |
Just read my comments and man oh man ... Did [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]J[/url] let me have it or what? SKANK, BITCH, SLUT, I think a WHORE or two in there ... woo woo ...
I appreciate and respect everyone's opinion whether I agree/disagree, want to hear/read them or not ...
I'm not going to let the negative comments affect my postings here because I'm using the tblog as my 'surrogate' girlfriend because I'm too ashamed to share the intimate details of my r'ship with [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] with my girls...So I'm putting fingers to keyboard, and pen to paper to try to work through this to liberation sometime soon.
In the past, I've been able to shoot guys down and have been very discerning about my mates.. having only had 3 relationships (maybe 2 1/2) in my life...this was because I knew better ...
I've had the fortitude to tell other married acquaintences naw bruh ... you're married ...go screw your wife ...I've done that a few times ... because I know that establishing/maintaining/ growing a relationship with a married man is WRONG ..there's no denying that ...
Which is why this is so incredibly mind blowing to me ... I am searching for the reasons why I've allowed him to permeate my heart as he has...
As in every relationship where feelings are involved - when it ends ... it takes time to move on, time to heal, time to move forward without that person in your life.
It is indeed a process - maybe other people can wake up and make a decision to walk away from someone they love and just do it - I'm not that person. But I am working on it - on a daily basis ... not picking up the phone to call everytime I want to, not sending a text message everytime he crosses my mind ... I didn't jump into this thing all of a sudden, we grew closer over time and it is going to take time for us to grow apart ...
I will keep ME posted ...
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| CAUGHT UP |
| 04.23.04 (7:24 am) [edit] |
I'm such a CHICK ... all I can think about in this, my hour of pain is fucking song lyrics ...what the hell ...
I've got to be DEEPER than that ..right?
Guess when it comes down to it ... no matter how smart no matter how 'edumacated', no matter how kick ass a woman may be - when it comes to loving and losing we are all just ( or at least I am) a puddle of mush ...
As of 9:52 am ... here's this mornings' Soundtrack ..
Kelis "Caught Out There"
I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Aaaaah
Now here's a song that fits my mood right now ....
The Presauders ..."Thin Line Between Love and Hate"
It's a thin line between love and hate
It's a thin line between love and hate
The sweetest woman in the world
Could be the meanest woman in the world
If you make her that way
She might be holding something in
That's really gonna hurt you
One of these fine days
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| Wax on Wax Off |
| 04.21.04 (6:22 pm) [edit] |
So I've decided to take some f-ing initiative in my life - change the things that I don't like instead of waiting for things to change.
1) I do not care for my living situation - I will give my "roommate" walking papers. The only question is time frame - 30 60 or 90?
Talked to my cousin today and [b]surprisingly[/b], she was hella inspiring to me ... I am going to do a little research on what I want to do in life. I have always had a clue - now it's time to map it out ... discover all that I'm [b]TRULY[/b] interested in doing and research research research ...
The plan is to move from Atlanta to Charlotte in one year ... Make it happen ... I need to buy a house and damn it the ATL is too fucking expensive and the men here are all either [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]MARRIED[/url] , ASSHOLES, GAY, on the [url=http://msnbc.msn.com/id/46954...]DL[/url] or [url=http://www.uglypeople.com/ugl...]UGLY[/url] ... so I'm breaking out ...
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| It's NOT that time of the month.. |
| 04.21.04 (11:50 am) [edit] |
But now I've gone from feeling BITCHY to incredibly SAD ... and STUPID... I know why I'm sad - I haven't heard from [url=http://www.tblog.com/template...]HIM[/url] today and as much as I know it's for the best - It still hurts.. I want to reach out to him and say Hey ...and WHY are you ig'ing me today but If I am to truly get over him - I have to let go and just work through these days ... Sooner than later - the HAPPY PRETTY GIRL DAYS will outnumber the BITCHY SAD STUPID GIRL DAYS ...
This I know - it can only get better ... The man is MARRIED ... but not to me ...
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| Feeling like a BITCH today |
| 04.21.04 (7:41 am) [edit] |
Hmmm ...
I'm not going to censor myself because of what the reaction might be. I'm putting myself out here for a few reasons - all selfish.
I have purposely maintained anonymity because I didn't want to feel compelled to hold my thoughts in ..that's my problem "I've got so much drama on my mind" - I've got to let it go ... if not here then where? Please suggest an alternative that would make YOU more comfortable with who [b]I am[/b]...
Secondly,
I am feeling so incredibly bitchy and I know it is because I haven't had sex like I need to or maybe it's just in my mind - I have had an orgasm but not the toe curling, spine tingling, mouth drying, eye rolling kind strong enough to clear my mind ... Hmm Desperately Seeking Orgasm ... maybe that's what I should have called this entry ...
Thirdly,
I love ME ... Things are getting better - I'm more comfortable with my skin and I appreciate my little perfections and imperfections more on a daily basis ...
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| Random Observation |
| 04.17.04 (5:38 am) [edit] |
I'm searching for something ... aren't we all?
I want happiness - but in an effort to make certain that I don't achieve that happiness - I keep sabotaging myself.
If you were granted the one thing in the world that you want - what would it be? I know that one ... that's easy.
I want to be a working journalist - sounds funny I know but that's where my heart lies. The only thing that separates me from my dream is space and opportunity - now why do I say that? Because I heard that in a movie that I saw last weekend - Cedric the Entertainer said that when he was about to beat someone down... "the only thing standing between you and an ass whooping is space and opportunity" That was funny to me ...so there - at least I'm not Jayson Blair - I give credit to my sources - HA HA HA!
In any case - I'm going to find a writing class in my area and take it ... do something for myself not to myself for a change. Maybe that's all I need as my 'spark' ya know?
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| Day Six |
| 04.17.04 (5:20 am) [edit] |
Complete and Utter Failure...well maybe not a complete failure.. we are just back to talking on the phone. I still haven't seen him - but knowing me - it's only a matter of time.
Good News is that [u][b]IT[/b][/u] is not there - I don't really want to talk to him - the urge to talk is not there. Kinda like [b]IF[/b] he calls, he calls - if he doesn't that's fine too.
Why do I insist on sticking my hand in the mouse trap? I know what's going to happen - it's happened time and time again before...
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| Day Five |
| 04.16.04 (11:34 am) [edit] |
So... today he called me...didn't talk to him but now I'm wavering in my strength and commitment to stay away.
What the fuck?
I mean he's not that fine, he's older than I am, the sex is good but he's not David, and HE'S MARRIED.
Is it all in my mind - have I built him up to be the man for me knowing that he could never be the man for me?
Am I missing out on the man for me because all I want is him?
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh ...
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| Day Four |
| 04.15.04 (8:10 am) [edit] |
**Exhale**
I never thought it would be this difficult - but then I remember why I decided this had to happen in the first place...
I have to remember that as I continue on the merry go round from pain to regret to guilt to desire to gratification to joy to pain to regret ..well you get it.. I have to remember why I've decided to walk away. I am in love with a married man and I need to keep in mind that even if he feels the way he says - he's still married to someone else. He sleeps in the bed with his wife every night, wakes up to her every morning and that's not going to change ..and if it did why would I want in on that anyway?
Aaaaaaaaaaaargh
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| Day Three |
| 04.14.04 (6:17 am) [edit] |
Stronger still but then again it is only 9:13 in the morning...
Today is his anniversary.
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| Day Two |
| 04.13.04 (8:58 am) [edit] |
Aaaaaaaaargh ... when it hits the fan ... it hits the fan ...doesn't it?
Why would you ever call an ex to tell them that you have a new love in your life?
Why would you ever catch feelings for one woman when you are involved with another?
Why invite someone into your life - without considering the consequences such an offer would have on it?
I woke up this morning with the lingering effects of spite ... angry tears, sad, longing tears and absolut vanilla ... ugh... not going to do that again - but i did sleep soundly for the 3 hours that i was able to sleep ...
Today is a strong day - the urge to call is weak today so I'm having a good one...
There's always ... tomorrow
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| Random Observation |
| 04.12.04 (12:39 pm) [edit] |
I've really turned into an ONE DIMENSIONAL character here ...
I feel so isolated and disconnected from ..from .. life. It's like I'm in the middle of Peachtree Street in a plexiglass box smack dab in the middle of the street jumping up and down waving my arms, screaming, and noone seems to notice me at all. I have so many different things going on in my mind all at once but the underlying need for affection, love and security is drowning out everything else .
RO #2
30 has turned me into an emotional wreck ... I cry at least once a week ... and whether it's over my children, lack of progress, 'it', my job, satc ending, or a bad hair day in a matter of minutes I'm snottin' and cryin' my eyes out - a full on production ... I can count on 1 finger how many times in the past year (prior to 30) that I actually cried ...
SIGH ... sniffle sniffle ...
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| Day One |
| 04.12.04 (6:49 am) [edit] |
This is difficult - because I know in my mind that it is the beginning of the end.
It hurts now - but I know that it won't always and that's really what I need to focus on. [i]Trouble don't last always[/i]
You know it just comes down to THIS ...potentially RIGHT man at the WRONG time - yes, it really is that simple.
The bigger issue is your willingness to get so emotionally involved with an unavailable person. Especially when you have (had) at least 3 available men vying for a chance - what's up with that?
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| It's 1:36 in the morning |
| 04.09.04 (10:58 pm) [edit] |
Mind Boggling how "love" works isn't it...
I love my children and I would NEVER do anything to intentionally hurt them (except spanking dat ass when they step out of line) ...you know what I mean.
I would never tell them that they were unplanned that I considered abortion and secretly prayed for God to take them from me when I was pregnant ... Not so GOOD for them to know...
I would never tell them that I found other children that I like better ... that make me feel better about the mommy that I am ... They belong to me - I can't just trade them in like that.
When my children are in pain - I turn into Nala The Lioness - I have to protect them, I have to make them feel better, if I don't who will, that's why they were put into my life to protect from harm and the crap in the world ...
I love my family members - there pain is my pain. Their joys - mine. Again, I would never intentionally inflict pain upon her. I'm here to honor her, not to hurt her....
Something similar for my dad ..
Definitely feel the same for my Grandparents and the rest of the fam ...
There are enough people in THEIR lives hurting them - no need for pile on.
I love my friends - I can count my true friends on one hand - the ones who know all - scratch that - who know [b][u]alot[/u][/b] about me ... I am here to make them happy, to support them through their triunphs, failures, rejection, acceptance - love and pain... again not to add on ...
It would be a fair assessment to say that I act in the best interests of my Kids, Family, Friends when I make decisions. This is going to sound SO SO SO cliche BUT I live by the mantra that I don't want to bring dishonor to the family ...I've screwed up a few times - but we all do ..but I've not broken my mothers' heart ..twisted it... pulled on it..definitely made it tighten up in her chest a few times ...but I haven't broken her down...I say my mom and I mean everyone else (fam and friends) [i]just to a lesser extent.[/i]
Love ... How can you love someone and do something that you know would destroy them... Even if you know they are the MOST resililent person in the world ... and they will bounceback ...EVEN if this were fact...
How could you LOVE someone and still behave with such blantant disregard?
[u]Love is a lie to adulterers. [/u]
[u]Love is a lie to adulterers. [/u]
[u]Love is a lie to adulterers. [/u]
[u]Love is a lie to adulterers. [/u]
[u][b]You can't LOVE someone and put them in harm's way.[/b][/u]
They don't know what REAL LOVE is ... being able to trust someone is the foundation of LOVE.
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| My oh My ... |
| 04.08.04 (5:10 pm) [edit] |
Progress would be good ...
In order to make a change - I have to believe in the decisions that I make. The decisions must be based on doing what is right - for me - noone else.
1) Do you not remember that your girl is in jail for MURDER ...not getting out until 2028 MAYBE? She's in jail because her husband decided to kill his [image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_919117811.gif[/image] girlfriend ...she's in jail because she helped him dispose of the body and evidence.
Sista Girl - picture the pain on your mother's face when she gets that call - on either side of the equation ... you need to get out.
2) This morning on the radio - the WACK dj's - spoke on Black Women crippling Black Men by accepting their sorry-ness, accepting them even though ..besides the fact ... despite ...
By doing so, we are not holding them up to the standards that we hold ourselves ... A needless never ending cycle ...
3) Regardless of how the man feels about you - he's married to someone else - and that is not going to change... and even if it did ...you wouldn't want him.
4) You are blocking your blessings investing all of this time in this man. You know what you have to do ... Just do it ... Please before something tragic happens to you or him...
5) If you truly love him - leave him and IF he loves you and wants to be with you - he will step to you as a MAN ... until then dip!
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