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me |
I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| You need to enter a subject to publish |
| 03.30.04 (8:48 pm) [edit] |
This thing started out as a spot for me to air my freak nasty side - since I'm not vocally blessed like Damita Jo, my breasts aren't perky and pink like Brit and I can't deep throat like Ms. Jackme ... I came here
If you check it ..there hasn't been much evolution I started out talking about sex and have most recently ended up talking about adultery but [b]***SIGH***[/b] I can't keep doing the same shit ...right?
But I digress...
I have scratched [i]...(and by scratched I mean made a tiny fine line with the very tip of my pinky nail.. The surface of how to blog and blog and blog)[/i] .. I've come up with some ideas on how to take this thing from Tblog and putting it out there ...
I'm interested in taking something that i've always loved, something that I absolutely loathe about myself combining them and learning from this most unexpected coupling.
I promise not to get all frigging deep because I swear I'm really not - I'm just chickypoo who loves those who I shouldn't and takes for granted those who I should ..
My world has to expand ...My experiences have to count for something ... I've got to step outside what I know and go for that which I want to know ...
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| NOT in response to anything |
| 03.30.04 (12:55 pm) [edit] |
but I guess it really is ...
YOU SAID:
[i]I didn't "hang up" on you. I was online and present for another hour or so. I said my peace I guess, but you apparently were not up for discussing stuff based upon your "one word answers" and pauses between replies. I figured the best thing was to leave it alone so I would not be frustrated and you would not be further irritated. I don't know if that's what has you in this mood for the past month, or if its just MEN in general, but as your bud I really didn't think I would be lumped all in to the group like that![/i]
I SAID (okay what I [u][b]WANTED[/b][/u] to say)
How can you say that you are my 'bud' ... once again... you aren't FUCKING listening to me... but it's cool ...
I don't need someone like YOU in my life - you've been around way too long and that fact could be one of many reasons why I'm as screwy as I am ...
So please ... spare me the drama ... and hey here's a clue .. SCREW yourself ...say WORD...
WHAT I REALLY SAID:
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| Questions... |
| 03.30.04 (8:24 am) [edit] |
Empowerment ... Commitment ... Drive ...
What makes you happy?
What are you passionate about?
If money wasn't an object - what would you do for free?
Name your dream job ...
How do you feel [b]RIGHT NOW[/b]?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
Trepidation ... Complacency ... Stagnation
What are your biggest fears?
What aspect(s) of your life would you like to change?
Choose one of the above, and reflect on how you "got there"
If money was no object, would you be happy in your current employment situation?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~
I'm trying to focus on one thing in my life that I have control over ..my happiness. At the core of my unhappiness is my job situation and my lack of drive ... I desire to be a go getter ... Instead of surviving - I want to make things happen for myself ...
I'm lacking discipline and desire ... got any to spare?
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| Y please U |
| 03.29.04 (7:40 pm) [edit] |
My point is ... Unless I say yes to what you want - there's really no pleasing you...
Just because you've placed yourself into a situation where your needs aren't being met ... that doesn't mean that I have to meet those needs because I have done so in the past ...
[i][b]I'm not interested in continuing the same destructive cycle that results in only a minimal amount of short term satisfaction ... [/b][/i]
After several attempts of veiling the truth I'm getting close to the point where I'm going to have to hurt your feelings to get my message across to you ... not sure to what extremes I'll go? Back off or you will find out ... and then - you'll drop from the ranks of admirers to the legions of ME-HATERS ... you ask why..would you really like to find out?
It's funny, things are becoming ever clearer to me as time passes ...
No I'm not supposed to be having sex with a married man...
No I'm not supposed to have feelings for that very same married man ...
No I'm not supposed to look forward to those special stolen moments that we have
What I am supposed to do is hold that mufucka accountable for the anger, pain and confusion he is intentionally inflicting ... Ooooooh but I want you ...there's just something about you ... I don't usually do this ... I love and am in love with my life... I NEED you in my life ...
What I am supposed to do is to hold myself accountable
for my actions ... Even if the marriage isn't destroyed ... you are undermining it and going against EVERYTHING that you have been taught and what you believe in... You must understand that truly what goes around comes around ...
You cannot continue to look for happiness in the arms of another womans' man...
Up on the sink in your bathroom - his tongue licking the lips between your legs... your thighs wrapped snugly around his head...your lower body rocking back and forth as he licks and sucks and nibbles you into a frenzy...
Yeah but he's married ... when it's all said and done he rushes out (but not before purging your scent) because he has responsibilities.. you are left there alone in your after-guilt trying to rationalize and refute ...it happened ..why does it happen... why can't I ...why can't I??? You can - you just choose not to ...
If you don't want to hurt ... you stop pricking your finger with that needle ...
If you don't want to feel guilty about fucking a married man - you stop fucking him and get down on your knees and beg GOD for his forgiveness and mercy ... POINT BLANK ...
Yes it's not that easy ...but the choice is SIMPLE.
You will never be the person who can call him and have him JUMP out of his skin ...
Add that to the fact that he kissed another woman... what the???
You asked for red flags ...well here is the big fucking RED [url=http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4...]iceberg [/url]
Now on the other hand, you've got this this person who for whatever reason insists on being in your space.. .you've managed to make moves without his existence in your daily ... it worked - as it were he turned out to be less important to you than you really imagined ... oh no you can't have what you want... I already expressed my discomfort and my preference to not repeat that behaviour but your machismo is leading you away from my reality and into some studly...I'm better than that..let me prove it shit ...
WHATEVER ...the answer was no in my mind but in my constant desire to please anyone but ME ... I said yes and yes ..forcing myself to take one for the team ...the greater good ...
I am SO GONE over this bullshit in my life there seems to be a theme in my life ... GUESS WHAT ...
I want to be happy...I've got to stop being HAPPY for others and turn that LOVE onto myself ...I'm the most important person in my life ... ME ME ME ...
Y PLEASE U ?
OPEN YOUR ..EYE NEED TO PLEASE [b][u]ME[/u][/b]
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| One Track Mind |
| 03.28.04 (7:03 pm) [edit] |
I'm trying to think about something else to blog about ... mainly because I've allowed him to occupy too much of my life.
Contrary to this blog ... there are other things going on in my life like ...
My hair looks decent I finally got those much desired highlights ... and it's straight ... instead of "Aaaaaaaaaffffrooooooooed " - for now that is...
I'm not much loving my job - I've been trying to figure out what it is that would need to happen in order for me to love it... the money sucks and the people are whiners... actually not all of the people whine... some of them are tolerable
Other than that - I'm incredibly unhappy .. in just about every aspect of my life. I can't even find joy/solace in my children anymore ..what's a girl to do?
Eliminate the negatives - Emphasize the positives!
Do for self - First ...
Here's a stupid analogy ..you know on the airplane they always tell you to put your mask on first before helping someone else?
Kind of like that ... Make YOU happy (man - I almost put my name there ha ha), once you are happy then you can make others happy...
Something just popped into my head... gotta google.. brb
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| Truth hurts |
| 03.26.04 (2:27 pm) [edit] |
Everything you said makes so much sense that it pisses me off. I want you, and that's all I can think about is that I want you and you won't let me have you. It's kicking my ass.
And to top it off, you will probably turn out to be one of the best friends that I can have (in the future) but right now I don't just want your friendship, I want our nadaship. So what, I'm selfish. Nothing new. I don't want you to hurt, so STOP HURTING !!!!! Be with me. I'm on my knees (I don't get on my knees) Be with me please !!!!!
Ok, I have done my begging.
I actually wanted to say some other things, but my mind is not blank. This week will go down in history for me, because it has been absolutely crazy.
11G
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| OUCH |
| 03.24.04 (6:24 pm) [edit] |
I didn't mean anything that I said to you...
I want you to hug and kiss me..touch my face ...
I want to see my reflection in your eyes
I remember Florida ...
I enjoyed sitting in the bleachers watching you on the sidelines ...
I cherish the private moments that we've spent at my job ...just talking ...
I hurry home through my routine just so that I can go to bed so that you can wake me up every morning (even though..I'm so anxious to talk to you that I'm usually awake anticipating your call)
None of this was planned ...it could not have been anticipated ... Here we are...
Every conversation that we've had since I told you of my intentions to end this ...has just made it a little easier for me to stick with my decision ...
Not once have you said anything about maybe giving me what I want ..figuring out a way ... That's commendable - it would be easy to make promises to maybe sway me ..but that wouldn't be fair now would it ...
I am more than a mistress ...the other woman ..the girlfriend on the side.. I'm not saying that you ever intentionally tried to make me feel like I was ...but basically and for lack of any other definitive description ..that's what I am...
If your wife was to find out ...I'd be that bitch..the whore.. the homewrecker..your little trick ... she would think ill of me ..and blame me (partly) for the destruction of your marriage .... I'm not ready to add those words to my resume ...
If what we have ...is real ... It will keep until I, until WE can discover what "THIS" is ... until then...
I just can't do it anymore....
I do love you and will continue to smile when you run across my mind ...when I hear Floetry on the radio...when Duke plays for the National Championship and when my cable goes out...
I'm sorry... I just really can't do this to me..not anymore...
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| What I wanted to say but couldn't |
| 03.22.04 (3:50 pm) [edit] |
[image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_919117811.gif[/image]
1. If tomorrow you said you needed me ...I'd be there for you
2. This is a major one ... I realize now that ...our nadaship has/ had nothing to do with your marriage ...
3. All I want is ... YOU
4. The fact that I can't have you [u]when[/u] I want and [u]how[/u] I want is too much to bear... I'm wishing for some horrible incident that would allow me to dislike you ..something that I could point to that I could rely on to keep me from you
5. You are married and happy -yet you chose to "LOVE?" me ... but why? I STILL don't understand why ...
THAT something about me .. I was needy and willing to accept 1/3 of a man ... While others would have demanded more - I was content with the "QUALITY?" time we spent... I bought into the whole thing ...
Stupid? Yes
Desperate? Maybe
Ashamed? Oddly enough, NO
Strong enough to walk away forever? Praying on it...
See that's something that I haven't been doing ... to be with you I had to turn my back on... hide/run from [i][u][b]God[/b][/u][/i]...I am/was ashamed to ask him for any guidance because I didn't/don't feel like I am/was worthy of his mercy and love... But through all of this - God has been watching over me - keeping me ... Sometimes - I felt like I was losing it - but I didn't ...
I just can't imagine that God would allow someone like you into my life in this capacity. The more I think about it - the less sure I am that God did ...
In any case, I'm aching for you now ... I have already picked up the phone and dialed your voicemail twice - no messages..I've replied to your text messages ...4 times but never hit send ... This is the hard part - if I could just make it through this - I'll be okay.
Thing is ..I don't feel as if you feel for me as deeply as I do for you... That's what makes it hurt as much as it does... It's like all of this was wasted on you ... How can you possibly feel the way I do and not want, not NEED to build something??? To wonder where it could go ??? How can you possibly feel as deeply for me and not look for PURPOSE?
But then I understand - [b]THIS[/b] wasn't supposed to happen - what did you think would happen? What did I think would happen?
Actually, I didn't think ... I just ... FELT ...
All of this emotion... for nothing ... Going back where I came from ... my shell... Inside ...there's no reason to hurt like this ... there's no payoff ... Why bother?
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| It is 11:41 p.m. ... I'm at work thinking about YOU |
| 03.16.04 (8:37 pm) [edit] |
Information ... Information ... I just want to know.. but at the same time .. I want to express my thoughts giving a clue into my psyche so that you know where I'm coming from ...
Honesty - speaking purely from that perspective....
You should be aware of this unless you are a complete idiot ... and no offense - I'm not sure if you are or not ... SMILE :P :P :P
Honesty - I got involved and I am still involved something keeps pulling me back in ... what is it... At this point I would have replied as you/I have chosen to reply so many TOO many times in the past ... I don't know...it's just something .. BUT for Honesty's sake ...
I'm involved because I want to see where this thing is going to go ... In the deep-ish recesses of my mind - I believe that if I hold on ...build up a good set of memories, plant my feet in your subconcious that maybe just maybe ... A door will open that I will be able to open and walk through as ME ... a woman with whom you have shared and are sharing love with - not as the girl who is doing your website ... not as a few words on your nextel ...not as a few stolen moments here or there ...
That's what I'm holding on too - as ridiculous as it seems this is me being open and honest ... yet again...
[i]If for no other reason, I'm documenting all of these thoughts so I'll have something to reference in the future should I ever choose to open my heart to another ...[/i]
I'm clinging to the feelings that wash over me everytime you look at me - that's got to count for something - right? I mean how can I feel [b]this[/b] strongly for someone and it be wrong?
When I wake up in the morning - I thank God for waking me up and then I can't wait to hear from you ... How can it be wrong?
[image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_919117811.gif[/image]
It's wrong because he is married to another woman - every night he sleeps/cuddles/kisses/tur ns his back/falls asleep next to his wife. She looks at him ... believes in him ... is secure in and is working on their marriage ...and she has no idea what she is up against ... has no idea that the man whose trust she fought to earn has/is betraying that same trust in his heart and mind ...
That's why it ... is ... [b][i]wrong[/i][/b]
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| Writing assignment ... |
| 03.11.04 (3:46 pm) [edit] |
One of your characters keeps something in a box, buried where no one will ever find it. What is it, and what’s the significance of that object?
Okay, here we go ...I'm going to try these different writing exercises to 'stretch' my talent...
So here we go...
I haven't been here since I graduated from college. The room on the top floor in the back ...overlooking the lopsided garage - that used to be my room. I had the distinct honor of occupying the only room in the house that on a "good" day with the wind just right - even through the glass - that would catch a nice whiff of our next door neighbor Mr. Day burning his trash. Standing here with my eyes closed inhaling deeply - I can almost smell it. Only now - my nostrils aren't burning and I'm not threatening to call the police if he doesn't put it out ...
Wow, looking at the big chocolate house for the first time in years - a flood of memories washes over me. This is the crazy ...look at the house ... Johnathan and I stood right there in that driveway 13 years ago pinning corsages on each other before his senior prom.
We stood right here using the park that faces the house as the back drop for the photo album of pictures my mom took. On this spot over here - I got my first kiss and wait - is it still there ...
Back when I was - oh about 12 I'd guess. The summer before 9th grade ...Timothy Morris gave me a tiny silver whistle ..oh how I ...
GOT TO GO WILL FINISH LATER
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| DIRECTION |
| 03.04.04 (7:50 pm) [edit] |
Is it a learned behaviour .. Sticktoit-edness.. how can I pick that up? Seriously, can I read a book and learn the art of the follow through?
Nothing is important to me - I can't even finish this ...
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