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I'm chilling!!!!
 At this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
 

I know how I got here...
02.11.04 (6:31 pm)   [edit]
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Interesting ... so many developments but then again not much has changed.
Since I last purged my soul - shit has happened.
First and foremost - I have followed my heart down a path towards destruction. This time it really is my heart - the sex is good but without the emotion -it wouldn't be as memorable as it is.
This man I can see myself with - I want to wake up next to him every morning ... when he's sick I want to make him soup (I don't make soup). When he is pissed - I want to say the words that will bring perspective to his situation ... I want to know him.
We had an awesome weekend in Florida. I must admit when we landed - I was nervous as hell ...not exactly sure what to expect from him..from us.. from this ...
I wasn't prepared for the guilt that hit me - it was so beautiful outside...sunny and warm ..when my suitcase came around the conveyor - it was the only one that was soaking wet... SO sure that was a sign.
We went to pick up the rental car and I swear I heard someone say ... hey..she's not your wife!! What are you doing ...you tramp he's married.. but then I realized that I was saying those things to myself in my mind. I beat myself up pretty bad - but then we kissed and it felt like ..LIFE.
I mean it felt as right as that breathe I just took and this one and this one ... LIFE.
That kiss was the catalyst ... my heart ... my heart.
Now what do we do ...
There's been no talk of divorce and quite honestly I am not interested in being the wife. I want more than that from him.
I want to be able to let it all hang out - I want to tell someone my life stories..sharing all of my secrets, my thoughts, fears, dreams and desires.

If you never give - you will never experience the joy of receiving. In my mind - love is theory. In my heart - love is light. In my life - love is forbidden. In my reality -love is sacrifice.

Fear is omnipresent. Fear is life. My life is FEAR. What if someone doesn't approve - am I living life any less?

What do I really want ? What do I want?

Is it him ... or the feeling OF him ... Is the guilt going to take over - do you want it to take over ... IS there guilt?

He wants me as I am ...I want him pigeon toed, soft voice, yet oddly enough even his loud need to be the center of attention personality.. His love is LIFE ...to me