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me |
I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| ME |
| 11.29.03 (8:10 pm) [edit] |
Why am I single... I'm single because I don't trust men to do what it is they say they will do. Add to that the fact that I have surrounded myself [i]both platonically and romantically [/i]with men who perpetuate this belief and you've got yourself ...[b]*ME*[/b]
The one time that I was in a relationship with a man that I trusted with my heart and soul - I screwed him over and twisted him so that he is [u]still[/u] trying to pick up the pieces. In a screwy kind of way - even his lack of recovery from my rampage through his life has been fuel for my lack of belief in the male species.
I have 3 men in my life -each of them fulfill a chasm in my life.
DC ... he is my emotional crutch.. I can reveal all of my little idiosyncrasies to him and get this - lo and behold - he accepts me for who I am. For some reason, he still calls me the next day (and at least twice on Sundays ).
DH ... he is my physical crutch. I can't be naked in front of him because I don't feel like I measure up to his vision of a beautiful woman. But I can be naked under him, "in front" of him, on top of him, because hot sex is the one thing that I am confident in my ability to provide. I know what to expect from him - there's no buyer's remorse after sex with him because there are no strings attached.
BJ ... that's my dad. For the better part of my developmental years, he has been a promise making ..promise breaking ... drugged out worthless piece of shit. Just when I needed him to be the model of the man before I even knew that I needed a model of a man... He had to leave ... The presentation was no longer able to be hidden.. I sensed something was different but it wasn't until I found the white powder in his little shaving kit or maybe it was the dildo that I found in his "bag" that clued me in on just how far gone that dude was ... He/They have always tried to keep it hidden from us... but something about seeing your 40 something father with a shit stain in the back of his pants that makes a girl flee into the open arms of any man who was willing to make her feel special ...even if the feeling was fleeting...
I'm not writing this to make you feel sorry for me - on the contrary - I'm not writing it for you at all. It's really an effort, perhaps a last ditch effort, by me to see the destructiveness of the pattern of behavior that I have etched into my psyche for the last 15-16 years. I have yet to delve into some things that happened to me that I don't quite remember clearly..but I know [b]something[/b] happened ...
Could it be the sex games that I was forced to play with my cousins or maybe it was making the "milk" come out of that thing in my grandfather's pants. All of my life - I've been made to do things that I didn't understand but I honestly can't even remember it clearly enough to lay blame.
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| An open letter ... |
| 11.29.03 (7:16 pm) [edit] |
[image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_919117811.gif[/image]
Dear __________,
It has become increasingly clear to me that you intend to live your life as recklessly and uninhibited as possible. You are certainly well within your rights to do so - but I must say it is disappointing.
I remember you believed in love and honestly felt that people were inherently good. You had a pep in your step and a genuine love for your friends and family members. What happened? Why are you so disconnected from the reality that you have built for yourself? Why do you continue to wait for life to begin for you? Haven't you realized by now - it is slowly (actually it's rather quick) passing you by?
I'm not sure if you've ever been motivated by anything other than your feelings - you've always been an impulse person never having to deal with the consequences.
Now you are in quite a pickel ... and what are you going to do? This is not something that just [i]happened[/i] to you. No No... this time there has 100% corroboration on your part.. and [b]WHEN[/b] it blows up as it inevitably will - you are going to be fucked (and this time... with not even your dignity to show).
So you go ahead and continue to float on through life.. Karma is a bitch and you are about to take one right upside your head.
Signed,
_____________
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| Take A Number |
| 11.23.03 (4:42 am) [edit] |
I'm sitting here at 6 in the morning and this list of people have been on my mind... some of them I can't remember their real names but I recall something about them and that's what you see in the list.
These are the men that I have had sex with ... over a 13 year period - I am averaging 2 new men a year...but that figure isn't really accurate because most of the sex occurred during my college years and I have been in two long term relationships since then.
I don't know why I felt compelled to publish this list - I am just now recognizing that my sex drive is a little out of wack and extreme at times. I am exploring the possibility that I may have a problem and this step that I've taken ...is one that I've wanted to take for a long time. I've never told anyone the real number and I guess I'm really not telling it right now..but hey, I did say it out loud. I don't think that I have a sex addiction ..I think that I have intimacy problems. Funny, I used to think sex was as intimate as it gets. But really it's not - at least it's not to me anymore. Kissing, and walking around naked with your not so hot body with the stretch marks and flab jiggling all around and not worrying about how that other person thinks you look ...that's intimacy.
Having an abortion and having the other responsible party there rubbing your back so you don't have to suffer in silence crying with that person about the decision that you both made - realizing the gravity of the decision and coping with the guilt - that's intimacy...
In any case ...I put it out there and honestly I feel like a big weight has been lifted. I think I'm going to go work out...
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| BITCH SLAP ME PLEASE.... |
| 11.22.03 (5:57 pm) [edit] |
What the hell am I doing!
I met someone today... actually we've been talking via the IM for awhile... and today we spent some quality time. And I can totally see him in my life. The way he looks at me ...makes me feel so special! I haven't felt that in a long while - and now that I've had a little taste of it.. I really miss it. We touched just briefly and there was definitely a charge ..a little something that I know that I felt. We talked and watched football for about an hour (BOO HISS Michigan beat Ohio State and WVA beat my beloved Orangeman ..that bites)...The whole time he was around I kept catching him checking me out - shit that felt good. It was time for us to depart from each other and we laughed and talked for another 20 minutes and then after we went our separate ways. He called and we talked for another 20 minutes on our cell phones as he drove home and I played in the park with my children.
La La La La La La La... things are great... things are swell..he could be the one... I haven't felt butterflies like this since I first met my ex husband...
OH WAIT.. OH NO... I FORGOT ONE LITTLE THING...
He's married .. to another woman...
He left me and went home to her ....
I don't want to be the dumb bitch that gives him the ass because that's what he is probably after...
I don't want to go there.. but my sex drive is so strong..and my emotions are so all over the place... and I am seriously in need of a bitch slap... someone needs to tell me to get over it... and tell me that before I take that leap ...
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| MORE SEX ... |
| 11.22.03 (5:46 pm) [edit] |
This morning I had the distinct pleasure of having sex with my "maintenance" man (NO ..not the guy that comes and does repairs around the house.. my MAINTENANCE man that I call when I need ..it).
In any case, the sex was once again on point and he made me do what no other man has been able to do! It's so intoxicating him being inside of me gently rocking back and forth with his arm wrapped around me ..my legs wrapped around him listening to him whispering in my ear feeling his breath on my neck reacting to his stroke giggling inside and he taps my spot. Laughing a little louder when he hits the spot and then tells me to shhh as if I can control myself when he is inside...
I keep hoping that one day he will lift his chin off of my shoulder and put his lips on mine maybe even biting my lip when he does it... but that can't happen because we have an understanding... we are cut buddies and friends..but not in a committed relationship ..nothing particularly special. I'm there when he needs to talk and he is there when I need to ...well you get the picture.
I am falling in love with the way he makes me feel when we are having sex and I can't help it...I need to walk away from the dick but the sex is addictive - I've never felt this way sexually before not ever and I just can't get enough ... FUCK...
My mom never told me that this shit was going to be so damned difficult..
I hate it...
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| 20 to 30 |
| 11.20.03 (9:08 am) [edit] |
[image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_235677851.gif[/image]
Sounds like a prison sentence doesn't it?
In any case... time is surely surely moving at a quicker pace now than it ever has... it's really quite invigorating...
I am very proud of myself - this morning despite complaints from my right shoulder ..[i]actually the fat ass that sits on my right shoulder[/i]..I got up at 5 a.m. and schlepped myself to the gym... granted it's just across the parking lot from my front door ..but at 5 a.m. it was definitely a [i]schlep[/i].. I was so close to getting back in the bed and sleeping until 7 but nope [i]the thin in all the right places hot chick on my left shoulder [/i]reminded me in no uncertain terms that the goal I have set for myself will be one day closer if I get up and take care of my business...
See I don't want to be a little skinny waif type chick...
I just want to pass the Homer Simpson test... that's where you shake your body and then stop and see how long your body parts keep moving after you stop...
Right now.. let's just say that Jello ain't got nothing on me...But I digress... I'm getting better at motivating myself .. I just look in the mirror and realize that all that I have done over the past 10 years has produced the body that I have... it is up to me to make the changes...
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| 26 to 30 ... |
| 11.14.03 (10:12 am) [edit] |
[image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_235677851.gif[/image]
Well I just received a really great email with the message that is going to serve as my [i]mantra[/i] for the next 26 days and beyond!
[LINE]
[i]So often, we look at others and compare ourselves to them. And often, we come up short. We look and say, "Oh she's 25 and she's done this, this, this and this. Or we watch people who "have it all together" and we begin to get down on ourselves. We find any number of ways to compare ourselves to the next sister - and come up short....STOP! There's a saying that the grass is always greener on the other side.....Well, their water bill is higher too. And guess what? You can have green grass also IF you seed, water and fertilize your lawn.
You can't have what somebody else has if you're not willing to go through what they went through. But, that's another matter. Stop comparing yourself to others. Love YOU!!!!
Each of us has our own thorns. Be it weight, single-parenting, job dissatisfaction, husband problems, financial distress, children woes, over-worked/underpaid issues, loneliness, confusion, self-doubt, etc. You've got to love you, and if you can't do that right now, at least quit comparing yourself to others, because you don't know what they are going through. Someone will always be prettier. They will always be smarter. Their house will be bigger. They will drive a better car. Their children will do better in school. And their husband will fix more things around the house. So let it go, and love you and your circumstances.
Think about it. The prettiest sister in the world can have Hell all up in her heart. And the most highly favored sister on your job may be unable to have children. And the richest sister you know - she's got the car, the house, the clothes - might be lonely.
And the word says if I have not Love, I am nothing.
So, again, love you. Love who you are right now and let God be your barometer. Mirror Him. Look in the mirror in the morning and see how much God you see. He's the only standard, and even when you come up short, he will not leave you or forsake you.[/i]
Man oh Man did I need to read that today... It's really easy to look at my situation and get down and depressed ... I haven't yet - and thanks to the sister-girl that sent it to me ... I'm not going to!
:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol::lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol::lol:
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| 27 to 30 |
| 11.13.03 (3:43 am) [edit] |
[image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_235677851.gif[/image]
Good Morning Blog!
Well ...there are not to many of those 29 year old Good Mornings in me... but let's not dwell on that...
Let's talk about the IMPORTANT stuff ...like ... um ... my hair... it's so funny the "powers that be" instituted a new professional dress policy at the j-o-b and my hair decides to freak out..(actually I freaked my hair out - but let's just pretend that my hair has a mind of its' own, okay?) So now I am rocking 2 braids with the part down the middle looking like Cynthia McKinney's long lost cousin... I expected to get clowned by the folks that I clown on the regular ..but NOTHING ...in fact, they even offered compliments - not even back ended compliments..real ones! So anyway..I had a monster period headache yesterday that I have convinced myself was made more severe by the tight braids in my head and I just can't do it today... So NOW what...the hair is not long enough for a beautiful pony tail ... and it is too late for me to wet the hair and rock the 'fro (it's too cold to go out with wet lock today!!!) ..what to do what to do ...
Please tell me that I am not going to lose the ability to ramble on aimlessly about trivial things when I turn 30 ...that would be tragic..
Well time is ticking and I guess I need to go and stare at the mirror for 30 to 45 minutes trying to come up with a new hair style before I part it and braid it like yesterday...
Side Note: My "maintenance" man got a job yesterday after almost 6 months of unemployment ...YIPPEE!
So now hopefully our "ship" can go back to sailing down those familiar "we just have incredible mind blowing sex on occasion" waters instead of the "ohmygodhelpmeoutineedyou rhelpineedtotalkineedtobe encouragedbemyrock" rapids that we've been paddling through for awhile. Honestly, I saw another side of him and truth be told I liked the neediness the feeling like I was apart of his life moments but in retrospect ...it's kind of like renting a BMW - (this is going to be a really bad analogy but work with me okay?) You roll out in the car turning heads of those folks who aspire to be where you are only to realize that damn I gotta take this back in the morning.. Meaning.. you enjoy the ride but not really because you know it is NOT GOING TO LAST ...that's the way it is with dude.. he is definitely a good ride.. but I'm NOT the chick that he would walk down the aisle with ... Not because I'm not good enough for him (he'd be lucky to have me) but because I'm not the type of chick he thinks he needs to have in his life... Maybe once he turns the male equivalent of 30 (45 -hee hee) maybe he'll realize that ...
I should call this TANGENTS instead of 27 to 30 ...
In any case... that is all ..I feel relieved now... another successful brain purging...
Holla!
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| 30 ...well 29 days 'til 30 |
| 11.11.03 (1:45 pm) [edit] |
[image]alltheblogthatsfit toprint_235677851.gif[/image]
I meant to start this yesterday but as with everything in my life - I ran out of time AND motivation ...
The purpose of this blog is self serving - I'm trying to feel better about my pending -god it's not death or marriage or prision.. I'm just turning 30!
Please don't try to comfort me with the whole ..oh wait til you turn 40 or waitillyourmyage crap ...that doesn't help... It really really doesn't...
As is common with other folks who have turned the big 30 ..I am freaking out...
It's like this I really have fucked up my life... Nothing that I have started have I finished ..I make up shit about my life that sounds more interesting to ME...I could give a damn about what other people think ...the folks I hang around are really awesome people who would love/like/appreciate/comm unicate/work/playwith me regardless of whether or not my mom owns real estate in upstate ny or if I have family in brooklyn... but that doesn't stop me does it...
In any case - I want the next 30 of my life to mean something ... I don't want to be 60 looking at my grandkids typing on my plasma high definition tablet about how the BIG 60 is creeping up and I still haven't done shit...
Problem is... realistically... see it ... right there... that word ..realistically is that even a real word..it has haunted me for a long while ...I am a realist I never take chances or risks wait that's not true.. I take risks everytime I get in the car (no insurance) ..every month around the 10th or 11th (writing checks with no cash in the bank) ..whenever my maintenance man comes through (no condoms) ... so truth be told ... I'm a risk taker... a reactionary person ... I put myself in situations that have the potential to BLOW up in my face everyday of every month ..every year...
But I don't want to do it like that anymore... I want to take calculated risks that have a big payoff...I'm not talking payola/loot/cash/ I mean that I want to take a risk that will , if realized, spit a big return!
But what is it going to be... I just want to be happy.. I want to wake up in the morning and not feel the rush ... I want to do work that I don't feel inadequate performing ... I want to love on a man who is loving on me everyday (or at least most of the time) ...
See I have alot of crap going on in my head.. and you haven't seen anything ...YET 29 to 30 ....
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