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me |
I'm chilling!!!!
At
this very moment, listening to the raindrops dance on the cars outside my window
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| Finally ... I've got my head out of my pants |
| 07.07.03 (12:52 pm) [edit] |
Man oh Man did DUDE put it on me or what - must have been great to have me Sign up for tblog to tell total strangers about it - eh?
Well ENOUGH of that ....
[i][b]This week I am in search of peace - internal long lasting - peace! [/b][/i]
For awhile, actually for as long as I can remember, I've always felt like I was waiting for LIFE to start for me. I just figure that THIS can't be all there is to it ya know?
Truth be told - I want MORE - I want to be able to take risks and do what I really want to do - which is write. I want to affect (not infect -hee hee) people with my words. I know that if I could just get my message OUT, people would see me for what I really am ... (previous Blog notwithstanding )
In any case, I honestly feel like I was put on this earth to affect people ... A PEOPLE ... as in a community, nation, world of PEOPLE - not just one person - here or there - and not just one person at a time.
I've never been one of those people who can follow through with things that I start. I am easily side tracked - and led astray - FOCUS is so NOT my forte ya know.
I would like to be one of those chicks - who says what she does and does what she says - I'd love to be the kick ass go getter that I write about in my journal or that I encourage others to be ... That's just not me ... apparently.
All of my life - things have just "happened" to me - not anything major and nothing traumatic - at least nothing that I'd like to acknowledge ...
I honestly feel that I wasn't prepared for anything when I left high school and that I didn't have a plan - I just happened across the first college I applied for ... only because the chick that sat in front of me in Study Hall had a brochure - it looked cool the people looked happy - hell, she was going there - it was close to the deadline to apply so I up and applied there too. Now when people asked - instead of me saying hell if I know - I could tell them ... bullshit with them about going to school in Atlanta ... and the school is this and that and I plan to blah blah blah ..
All my life - that's the way I've been - I
can bullshit anyone - I have the gift of ... I wouldn't exactly even call it a gift come to think of it - it's actually more like ... Dunno - all I know is that I can lie with the best of them - I can bullshit ANYONE - I can pretend to be interested in something I have no clue about .. When I say these things - you shouldn't take it lightly - It's really crazy just how ...pathetic it really is. My dad - the drug addict who doesn't have a problem - passed down this most magnificent trait to me ... You've heard it before "Everything is AAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL LRIGHT ... No problem ... I'm great .... You know things were a little hectic for a minute but I managed to do some things and now everything is JUST FINE NOW ... Thanks - no I don't need anything - I'm happy ... " Put up a strong face - while you are being tormented by demons in your mind, your memory ... How did I get here - how did I end up here ... Why do you need to pretend that all is well, when yours is hell? I'm not sure!
I need to be de-programmed ... someone needs to tell me that it is O K to tell the truth about what's going on - they'll find out when I'm dead anyway ....
I want to be diagnosed with some acute illness which would explain my lack of forward progress in life ... Have you ever read something so sick???
So you see what I am talking about when I say I am searching for peace .... Know any websites - where I can find it?
[LINE]
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| More of the Same |
| 07.03.03 (8:22 am) [edit] |
So I'm back and I've got more to [i]confess[/i] ... It's more of the same about the same dude.
In any case, so the other night, he comes over to my spot - I open the door in my Knicks Jersey (he loves it when I wear that) and he actually gives me a hug. Now, this was the first thing that threw me for a loop because we don't do that ...
[i]We established the [b]"RULES OF ENGAGEMENT"[/b] years ago - He agreed to 'put it on me' when I needed him to and to not judge or advise me on my life. I agreed to the same - and made a secret vow to myself not to get attached to the guy - no catching 'feelings' for him. Because I knew that he wouldn't want me as his girlfriend. Now I know this reeks of esteem issues or me selling myself short BLAHBLAHBLAH but I'm saying ... I know there are certain guys out there that I would never date seriously just because they are not up to my standards ... so why is it that I have esteem issues if I recognize the same in a man? I don't think this guy walks on water or anything like that - no in the least ... But we've had conversations and I know that the type of chick that he thinks he wants is not the type of chick that I am [/i]
As I was saying ... He walks in and hugs me - it threw me off for a minute - but I recovered and moved along to my bedroom where we sat on the bed and started to shoot the shit. It was cool conversation - that's the problem we always have such great conversations - he's a good listener and is very opinionated - no kidding right? So in any case, we get to talking about something I can't quite remember (I'm NOT a good listener) and he says something about kickin' it with me more because I'm such a cool chick and then he grabs me and pulls me ..or at least tries to pull me close into another hug - says that he wants to 'cuddle' - I'm looking at him like he's an alien - Told him that I don't get my 'affection' from him - that I only look to him to fuck me long and hard (HEY - THIS IS MY CONFESSIONAL - I NEED TO RECOUNT THE FACTS AS ACCURATELY AS POSSIBLE) ... We both laughed and he told me that he's taught me well - too well - that even if he wanted to get in - I wouldn't let him in ... because game recognizes game ... So that was the second thing that he did which is why days later I am still talking about this particular episode...
Since this doesn't look like a porn site - I'll spare you the raunchy, jaw dropping, toe curling, hair pulling, ass smacking, details ... I'll just say that I am still having pussy flashbacks - you know when I think about it - I get a little 'jump/throb' - takes me back man it takes me back :-) ...
During the actual act - he kisses me - over and over again ... this is the third thing that he did to throw me off - we never kiss, we [b]NEVER[/b] kiss ... So okay I'm kissing him, he's kissing me and it was the sweetest - his lips slightly salted from sweat .. I thought that I was going to explode ... I was still, at this point, holding back - not showing my cards - being the tough chick that I think I am ... still feminine but fiesty you know in control... He then pins me down and decides to take (how can I say this delicately?) He ... goes [i][b]THERE[/b][/i] with his tongue (get it?)
If there was ever anything that I could complain about is that he thinks that his 12 inches makes up for foreplay or all things oral on his part ...so he's only gone [b][i]THERE[/i][/b] with me once before...
So as you can imagine ... him going [i][b]THERE [/b][/i]... RIGHT [b][i]THERE[/i][/b]... that night - I just lost it - I let go and let him do his thing ... Never in my life - and believe me I've tried to recall - have I ever peaked like I did when he was [i][b]THERE[/b][/i]...
Put all of this together and what's a girl to do? I mean where do I go from here?
[LINE]
Good Question...
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| Just have to get this off my chest ... Sorry if it offends anyone |
| 07.02.03 (2:03 pm) [edit] |
I am just going to start right in the middle ... This whole blog thing is going to work as a [i][b]confessional [/b][/i] of sorts ...not that I have all that much to confess but I am basically just looking for somewhere to spill the beans without getting my friends' questions, admonishments or praise...
So here goes ...
The other night I had sex with this guy that I have known for 3 maybe 4 years now - we've been [i]going at it [/i]for the majority of that time - that's no big diggie. I met him kinda over the internet - we both were part of the same distro on an email. He has a thing for the "reply all" button and a knack for saying the most absolutely unbelieveable ridiculous shit (excuse the language but hey, I'm able to be my lewd self here right? - If it bothers you let me know and I'll ...) But I digress - this guy got my attention because he would gauge the popular opinion from the replies to the email and then spout off at the mouth offending not just everyone but [b]EVERYONE[/b] in the process. At first, I thought this dude is just saying this stuff to get a reaction out of people - and sure enough - that's exactly what he got... Basically, over the course of about say 6 months - this dude pretty much alienated everyone on the distro until eventually - he was dropped from any emails containing topics that he could use an incendiary device of sorts. It was all quite comical how people could allow the obvious baiting by one guy to ruin their day - get them up in a tizzy - or in one such case - end a friendship.
I don't know why but [b]DUDE[/b] got my attention - while everyone was dismissing him as an arrogant asshole who hates women - I was truly[i] intrigued[/i] by this guy and his gall. After talking to him offline (via email outside the distro) - I found him to be the same person - arrogant, intelligent, brash and did I say arrogant? In any case, he turned out to be the way he was in those emails to the distro - unapologetic and I guess ... [i]real[/i]. It was interesting to be in the "company" of someone who told you what was up in your face - there's no quessing with him - it was all fact.
In any case - I started diggin' him - and we eventually met in person on Valentine's Day 99 I'd say a good 8 months after the initial [i] distro intro [/i]... In any case, when I met him I was pleasantly surprised by his gentlemanly ways and could from the get go see why he got away with all of the things that he got away with . Of course, I knew that he'd heard it so I made sure I didn't say it - BUT he had the most amazing piercing, look right through you, come hither just look at me eyes, that I'd ever seen. Instantly, I KNEW I was in BIG trouble ...
[i]I know that some of you may be expecting this to be some sort of Fabio-esque passionate love story - about how we fell in love and blah blah blah ... Sorry - it's not ... Definitely not - it's not even a story of unrequited love ... [/i]
Fast forward 4 years and several interesting turn of events in both his life and mine - including the birth of my son (not his) and his moving to the same city as me (not because of me) - other than that - not much has changed in our 'ship (be it a relationship, friendship, kinship or whatever I'm still not sure) ...
We are still available to each other sexually ... Unfortunately for me - he has turned out to be the best and most intense partner I've ever had - it's unfortunate because good sex is so important to me - more important at times than my emotional health which is - you guessed it - SO unhealthy!
In any case - it is his ability to rock my world between the sheets - that the rest of the story dwells on.
[LINE]
Unfortunately - I've got to run - but never fear - there's always [i]tomorrow[/i]
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